More sadness

We were on vacation last week. I had formulated a post in my mind about how the waiting unfortunately doesn't stop when you get a BFP. Oh no, then you have to worry for another 3 months, especially in my corner of the world where you don't even have your first appointment until 10 weeks. 

Unfortunately.... On our last day of vacation we were out shopping, I ran to the washroom and saw red. I've basically been crying ever since. I didn't go to work today because my emotions are out of control and I'm going to try to see my family doctor. I need to understand why this is happening to me, to us, again. Is there something wrong with me? Does my thyroid go crazy the second I get pregnant? Is my progesterone too low? Is there something wrong in my uterus? Do we have chromosomal issues that we somehow got lucky and escaped with our son? I just don't know.... But once again my dreams are crushed and I'm not sure I can start over again. It's really, really hard. I so desperately want another baby. My husband is the best father I know and I want him to have more children. And almost more than for us, I want my son to have a best friend, a buddy he can play with. In the airport he was playing with other children in a play area and he was so, so happy. I'm worried that if I'm able to get pregnant again and keep it, the age difference will make it so they're not as close as they should be. Ugh. Really struggling right now...