Feeling great at 18 weeks 2 days

I want to give those of your who are are still feeling pretty rotten some hope that things should get better soon! Although I was fortunate and never vomited during the first trimester, I felt horrible all day, every day and was exhausted, sleeping whenever the nausea would calm down enough for me to relax a bit. The first couple weeks of the second trimester were better but I was still feeling unlike myself but since about 17 1/2 weeks I finally feel good again!

I have always struggled with anemia and figured that at 16w2d when I was still feeling more tired than I expected to feel once I made it into the second tri that my iron was probably a bit low, so I made sure my midwife did blood work to check on it. Sure enough I was right and started taking an iron supplement, in addition to my pre-natal vitamins, this week. My energy is finally improving.

As of 16w2d, I had gained 2 pounds since my 10 week checkup, up to 124lbs. I weighed myself on the weekend and was up another pound or 1 1/2 pounds as of 17w 6d. See below picture of how much baby has grown in 3 weeks, since 13w2d to 16w2d:

Isn't s/he adorable? I can't wait to kiss those cheeks and those little hands and feet! I can't wait to see him/her again at 19 weeks (next Monday!).

I am finally fairly confident that I can feel the baby moving. I have been feeling it since about 16 1/2 weeks but wasn't sure it was actually the baby. At first it felt almost like a muscle twitch in my uterus. Now it's more like little bubbles... although yesterday s/he must have done a total somersault or something because I felt it and it was stronger than usual, and then when I poked it with my fingers and rested my hand on my belly I could actually feel it from the outside! I think 18 weeks is early to be feeling it from the outside, but I read that if you're thin it's possible. I don't know, but I can't wait for those little nudges to get stronger so I have constant reassurance that s/he's doing well in there, and so that DH can feel it.

We are still set on keeping the gender a surprise but I might just go crazy waiting. DH jokes that it's going to be like the Lion King when s/he's finally born, he'll get to hold him/her up and announce it to the world. I have started pinning things I love for the nursery and will need to figure out how to make it gender neutral in such a way that I can then personalize it once the baby has arrived.

I also need to say that I am so lucky to have such a supportive hubby. My clothes are tight and uncomfortable (I haven't been to buy any maternity clothes yet!) and I still don't look pregnant, just a little round in the middle and every day he tells me I'm beautiful and loves all over my belly. I just feel so happy every day!!

Relief... :)

Amniotic fluid is all normal. Apparently either it was a little low and then reversed itself or the tech just didn't measure it properly. Frustrating. Either way, baby is looking great. We got to see almost everything during the ultra sound at 16 weeks 2 days. The tech showed us a cross section of the brain, the little nose, the mandibles, the heart beating away (150bpm again this time!), the stomach and bladder both filled with fluid (which means the baby is swallowing the amniotic fluid like s/he should and the kidneys are working which was my original fear about the amniotic fluid being low - yay!), we saw both arms and hands and both feet with teeny tiny toes. It was incredible. She could tell the gender but we don't want to know, we are keeping it a surprise for when s/he's born. I want DH to get to announce the gender on the birth day! Seriously.... wow. Obviously I was a bit emotional because I was concerned that I could be getting some bad news so I definitely shed a few happy tears when I got to see with my own eyes that all was well. In fact, baby is measuring spot on and bigger (up to a week bigger!) on every measurement. We got the official report from the doctor on Friday that confirmed everything they could visualize is normal... and we get to go back at 19 weeks for a second anatomy scan so they can re-measure and have another look once the baby is a little more developed.

It has been such a relief. I won't even share where my mind was going during those 2.5 weeks of torture waiting to know if baby would be ok. Plus my belly was starting to expand ever so slightly that I knew it would only be a matter of time until people started asking questions and we weren't ready to spread the word until we knew everything was okay. We even delayed our trip to see my grandmother. BUT, since it was happy news we have spent the last 5 days telling our immediate family and it's been so exciting to see their reactions and actually talk about the pregnancy. It really makes it real. I can hardly wait until this weekend to tell my grandmother that she's going to be a great grandma for the first time.

Feeling so blessed.... and like I need to buy some pants that fit! I'll update again soon.

Mild oligohydramnios

Sound scary? I am terrified.

I got a call from my midwife today indicating that the results of my ultra sound showed that I had low amniotic fluid. She told me that everything looks fine but that she wanted me to go for another scan in 4 weeks. She expects that the condition will reverse itself but it could also be an indication of kidney problems or other disorders. I was on my way out for lunch with coworkers when I got the call, so I couldn't really say much. (Honestly, when I saw my scan in the first place, I thought it looked different, usually the sac looks so nice and round and mine was irregular and the baby looked a bit squished but I chalked it up to a different angle or something since the baby looks so great in his/her first photos)

When I got back to the office I googled it. Horror stories. "Prognosis is ominous in first trimester occurrences". I freaked. I left work and called DH crying my eyes out, put together a list of questions and called my midwife back. Thankfully she was still in the office and was on the phone within a minute. Some of the additional information I got from her was that the ultra sound report said "mild oligohydramnios" which was defined as "amniotic fluid which is somewhat less than normal". The baby was measuring spot on, the two measurements they use for dating came back at 13 weeks 3 days and 13 weeks 1 day, and according to my own ovulation date I was exactly 13 weeks the day of the scan. The heart rate was good (150bpm), Nuchal Translucensy was good.

She was pretty comforting. She said that she has never had a mother with low amniotic fluid before, but that one of her colleagues had one with low amniotic fluid but with a baby that was measuring perfectly and that it reversed itself. That she would expect that if something is wrong with the baby, that it would be apparent by a lack of growth. If this is the case - why is the fluid low? Is there anything I can do to increase the amount of fluid? Google is just not giving me any good answers... just more horror stories and uncertainty.

I also told her that I could not wait for 4 weeks, I will go crazy. So, she agreed that I could go earlier, 2 or 3 weeks, but that I need to know that it may not have had time to reverse itself in that short timeframe. I discussed with DH and we decided to do one at 2 weeks as well. At least that way, if things aren't looking better (or if they are worse) we will get a referral to an OB and can hopefully start working on getting answers.

Ugh.... what if the baby has kidney problems? What if there are chromosomal issues? What if the baby has actually already died in there... would I even know? What if the baby falls asleep on the umbilical cord since there's not enough fluid and doesn't get the nourishment s/he needs? If I sleep on my stomach (like I sometimes do) will the baby get squished since s/he doesn't have enough cushion?

To make matters worse, we are supposed to drive 10 hours to see my grandmother on our long weekend to tell her the good news. I won't have my next scan until after this trip. I'm not sure I can tell her anymore, at least not until after I have some answers.

DH thinks everything will be fine, as does my Mom. My poor mother... I made her cry on the phone today. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm a worrier by nature so you can imagine where my head is at. I honestly never thought I'd have to think about anything like this - just assumed we are healthy and young and everything would be just fine. Today is my 14 week anniversary and I finally convinced myself I am in the safe zone, then at lunch my world crumbled.

Has anyone experienced this? Have you seen any happy endings? Any suggestions for increasing amniotic fluid beside staying well hydrated?

PS - Midwifes are the way to go. First off, I called the office and explained who was calling and why and she was on the phone with me within 1 minute. She was calm and let me cry and sympathized with the fact that I was stressed, saying she knew that even if she told me with 99.9% certainty (hypothetically) that things would be okay that she knew I would still worry. She let me move up my next scan. She told me to call anytime with questions or if I am worried. She asked me to call her the day of my next scan to remind her and she will call the lab personally to get a verbal report so that she can let me know the results right away.

11-13 weeks

It's been a great and exhausting few weeks. We were overseas for the Olympics and then spent a week in Paris. I'm not a big fan of the weather in London but the Olympics were awesome and we really enjoyed our vacation... other than the fact that DH & I were both sick the whole time. DH must have caught a cold on the plane as he had a sore throat starting the first day we were there... which I caught within days from him. The worst part is that it's still hanging on over 2 weeks later, in fact I feel worse today than I did the last two days. I'm coughing all night so I can't sleep, congested and just plain exhausted. I had to take tylenol a couple of days for the headache but have been staying away from other medicine... I may break down and get some straight up Robitussin cough syrup tonight, apparently it's safe for preggos.

My sympathy for pregnant women has grown immensely over the last few weeks. I just can't get over how tired I am. In Paris one day I just couldn't walk any further, I was beat so DH suggested we find a park bench and I could lay down with my head in his lap for a few minutes to get a rest. Poor guy, I fell asleep right there in the park on a bench for an hour! My sense of smell is raging. The smoking in Paris was really difficult, I would hold my breath when we passed smokers but sometimes I couldn't hold it long enough because there were just so many of them so then I would be gasping for air but it was all full of smoke which made me nauseous. Also, the tube/metros smell like sewage. One day I found it so bad I literally had to run out of there so I didn't vomit all over. The nausea overall has been better lately but still sneaks up on me once in a while at the most inopportune times like when we're in a restaurant. One day I literally had my hands over my mouth and was swallowing it because I couldn't bare the thought of the washrooms there, I was sure if I went in the smell or the nastiness of it would definitely put me over the edge. Then a few minutes later I was fine again, so weird.

I'm still off veggies for the most part. I'm also not really enjoying the sight or smell of meat. I'll try to eat a few bites here or there but my diet's been largely starches and carbs. Potatoes in particular - mashed, fried, whatever, just potatoes. Oh and crepes, I ate one or two crepes with Nutella daily in Paris. I'm hoping to start craving veggies again soon because I know I'm not being healthy at all which is very unlike me. I HAVE been eating fruits, lots of juicy oranges, apples, bananas, berries. I guess that's one good thing.

Wow I'm such a complainer. Sorry!

On the bright side, we had our ultra sound the day we got home and there really is a little person in there! Isn't s/he cute? I was shocked at just how much s/he really looks like a little person with all the major parts. The little knees and the belly make me melt!! The scan was for our nuchal translucensy test... which was measured at 1.5mm which I think is in the safe zone for down's... yipee! Baby was bouncing around so much the tech was getting frustrated because she had a hard time getting her measurements haha. I'm in for it! I didn't like drinking a litre of water right as I got out of bed that morning but boy was it worth it! I can't wait for my next ultra sound and I don't even know yet when it will be! Going to start telling people about this pregnancy soon (other than my immediate family who already knows, so that's pretty exciting!).

I still don't have a belly but I think it could be coming soon. I'm definitely a little thicker in the middle - where my hips used to really stick out, now they don't anymore! But nobody other than me would notice that. My boobs are definitely bigger but really only to me and DH. When I was getting dressed one morning he was like "whoa, jugs! You're going to need to get some new bras soon!". I'm busting out of my old ones, just not sure if I should buy new ones right away or wait just a bit longer as I'm sure they're going to keep growing...

Not much else to report... just hoping this cold goes away soon! I need some sleep so I can function at work.

Has anyone broken the news to their work yet? If not, when do you plan to? I'm thinking around 18 weeks maybe.... but am really struggling to stay focused and awake during the days so sort of wish I could tell them earlier and maybe have them cut me some slack!

Healthy Breakfast - Berry Smoothie

As you all know veggies and all food healthy is really not appealing to me right now so I'm trying to pack in some nutrients where I can't really taste them, just like all our Mom's did to us when we were kids.

One of my favorite things for breakfast in the summer are smoothies of all kinds. I have a magic bullet so they aren't very big but it's fast, easy and very healthy!

Today I made a berry smoothie because that's all I had in the house to use. I made two and each one contains:
Handful of blueberries
Handful of raspberries (shocking, I know)
Half an avocado
As much spinach as I could fit in the top
A scoop of whey isolate vanilla protein powder
A good chug of vanilla almond milk (usually I would use plain but we only had vanilla - I probably bought it mistakenly thinking it was original)
A splash of V8 pomegranate and blueberry juice

It was pretty tasty. It's the first time I've used avocado in a smoothie and it was awesome - you don't taste it at all but it makes it so creamy, especially considering that I didn't have any bananas or yogurt today! I will definitely be doing that again.

Meet the midwife

After our awesome appointment with the doctor I wasn't too concerned about the midwife, I figured it would be what it would be and I was totally satisfied going with the doctor. We met with our midwife on July 23. Our appointment was at 9:30, we arrived around 9:20 and were with the midwife, beginning our discussion, right on time at 9:30. The place was filled with women working away but they were all super friendly and helpful. The waiting room was filled with comfy couches, felt more like waiting in someone's living room as opposed to a clinical doctor's waiting room. It also made me feel good that I wasn't sitting in a room with sick people.

The appointment itself ended up being more of an info session - really more about them than about us. Their objective is to educate on the role of the midwife so that we can make a decision whether or not to go ahead with them. The room was comfortable too, the 3 of us could chat comfortably and there was a twin bed at one end. She explained that I would actually be assigned to two midwives and would have appointments with both throughout my pregnancy so I could get to know them both, although one would be primary and the other would be secondary. As they're a teaching clinic, we may also be assigned a midwife student. The midwifes are on call 24/7, she gave me everyone's pager #s and all of the details to contact them in case of an emergency and/or in case of questions. They take every other weekend off call, for 3 days, but either my primary or secondary midwife would always be available. When I go into labour, my primary would be with us the entire time, she will come to our house before the hospital so I can labour at home for as long as I'm comfortable doing that before we move to the hospital. If we have a student, she would also be around during labour and would help with paperwork at the hospital and anything else we need. When it comes time to deliver, my secondary midwife would be called in to actually deliver the baby while my primary midwife would be doing whatever she can to help me through the process. After the baby is born, the midwife will come to our house on days 1, 3 and 5 to check me and the baby and they would continue our care until the baby is 6 weeks old, although after the first few visits I will probably take the baby to their office.

We talked a lot about informed decisions. My BFF had a baby boy last week (Yay!! I can't wait to visit him tomorrow!!) and said the epidural was necessary because the pain is unbearable. So I was worried the midwife would be strongly pro-natural/no intervention birth, but she was totally open... she said she would of course encourage me to go as long as I can before giving in to the epidural because it can sometimes slow down progress and it has its own set of side effects, but also that some women can do it without and it's worth trying BUT that if I said I wanted an epidural she would make sure I got one. She said that we will talk about coping mechanisms and all the risks/rewards of certain interventions during the pregnancy so that she can educate us enough that we can make well-informed decisions, since at the end of the day, I'm the mother and it's my body and my experience.

She was trying to calculate my estimated due date based on my LMP date. I told her I knew my ovulation date so of course she asked if we had problems conceiving to which I responded no, I'm just A-type personality and I was lucky, got pregnant the first month I charted! She said, "we can talk more about that later, you're not going to be able to plan your birth experience, and people who go with the flow tend to fare much better than the hardcore A-types". LOL, she knows me so well already.

To calm DH's concerns about the lack of doctor presence, she gave us a handout from the college of midwifes that governs the profession that clearly specifies each situation where a midwife is required to consult with another health professional. Our midwife said that she has a great relationship with the OBs at our hospital and can call them up at anytime, and since it's a category 2 hospital, there is an OB in the hospital at all times (not just on call at home sleeping!).

At the end, she offered to try to find the heartbeat with her doppler, but said because I'm so tall with such a long torso, and still so early (barely 10 weeks) that she may not be able to hear anything and would only do it if I wouldn't freak out. DH's eyes got to be about the size of plates and had such a huge grin on his face so we went for it.... and heard nothing. Kind of disappointing but I'm not freaking out. I have read that you won't always hear it with the doppler that early particularly if you have a long torso because the baby is hidden deep in your pelvis. So now I have to wait 'til August 13!!

After the appointment, I was shocked to hear that DH's gut told him that we should go with the midwife. I'm really worried about him passing out (he's a VERY empathetic person, and passed out once when he saw his sister after she had her wisdom teeth taken out, no joke!) and not being at all helpful to me. He says he's going to "man up" but I don't want to have to be worried about him during labour/delivery and I also don't want to be left hanging all alone during that time. He agreed that the extra support we would receive from a midwife would be huge for us... the secondary midwife made us feel good that there would be at least one person we knew at the delivery of our baby... the extra care after delivery is also a bonus... not to mention the comfy waiting room that we didn't even have to wait in for long! Finally, I feel like it's a little community there. They offer all kinds of parenting classes at their clinic and even help you with breastfeeding after the baby comes which seems invaluable. So, shock of all shocks, we decided to go with the midwife!!

Now I feel guilty about breaking up with my doctor who I did really like! But definitely feel great about going the midwife route!

Meet the doctor

I mentioned a while back that I got twice lucky and scored a spot with both a family doctor who delivers babies and with a midwife. We met with the doctor on July 18. I had googled her in advance and read great things, overall people loved her, the only complaint I could find was that she wasn't always on time and you could spend up to an hour waiting for your appointment.

This rang true for us. We had an appointment at 10:15 and I don't think we met with the doctor until after 11. DH was freaking out because he had a lunch meeting downtown but also didn't want to miss meeting the doctor. Needless to say, when we finally did get in to see her, she was great. She did a pretty intensive history on us, our ethnic backgrounds, difficulties in family pregnancies on my side, our lifestyle and habits, etc. She also educated us on the types of testing we can do for chromosomal disorders. Overall she said we have no risk factors for chromosomal issues but that it doesn't mean that it can't happen, you just never know. We also talked about when I could do the testing given we are going out of the country during weeks 11-13 (fortunately I can do it right when I get back!). Then DH left to get to his meeting and she did a pretty complete physical on me. Weight - 122lbs, BMI 18.6 (in the normal range!) and blood pressure 90/50. She also did a breast exam (I don't really get why, but whatever), checked my breathing, listened to my heart, took a urine sample and did a pap. I talked to her a bit about her feelings about vaginal birth vs. cesarian and about pain meds and her answers were pretty much exactly what I would have hoped for. During the exam she also helped me feel my uterus, which, at the time she said was about the size of a tennis ball, right on track for 9 weeks. I was so, so, so hoping that we would be able to hear the heartbeat or get an ultra sound that day but no such luck!! Just knowing that everything seemed to be moving along well did give me some peave of mind.

Another bonus is that her office is in the same building as my family doctor and there is a lab and an ultra sound clinic in the building as well, so after the appointment I was able to run downstairs and book my ultra sound appointment (August 13!) and drop off my samples (from the pap and for urine test).

She delivers on average 4 babies per month, so the likelihood that she would be there for our birth is very good. She had a great bedside table manner, I didn't feel rushed at all and she seemed like an interesting person. We were also able to relate on another level because her husband is a CA.

All in all, a great appointment! I left feeling extremely relieved that I was fortunate to get a great doctor. Honestly I considered cancelling the midwife appointment because DH was nervous about the whole midwife thing (aka not a doctor) and because I was so happy with the doctor.

10w 2d

I have not felt like posting at all lately, thus why I haven't. My blog ladies who all got their BFP's within a few weeks of mine have slowed down considerably on the posts as well, so I don't feel so bad about it! That said, I hope that all is well with you ladies and your little peanuts!

I am surviving over here. I still get waves of nausea occasionally when I least expect them and I am so, so tired. On the weekends I take full advantage of mid-afternoon naps. Once I lay down I am totally out for at least an hour, even with my family milling around and making dinner with me on the couch. I haven't been able to nap like this since I was a teenager playing a ton of sports and partying at nights haha.

Veggies still turn me right off. My beloved spinach makes me want to gag. The best way I can come up with to hide them in food is in home made veggie pizza smothered in cheese and in smoothies. I'm enjoying fruit though, so am eating berries, bananas, gala apples and cherries. The most veggies I think I've gotten is through virgin caesars! We also have some tomato plants that are producing a lot of fruit right now so I can eat those too. I haven't had any "weird" cravings but when I do crave something I cannot get it out of my head and must have it. For example, I had mashed potatoes for dinner one night. Just mashed potatoes. They were the best mashed potatoes I've ever made! (I jazzed them up by boiling the potatoes with onions, and mixing in butter, sour cream, cream cheese and a squeeze of mustard!). Yesterday, I had to have a poutine and a milkshake, knowing full well that I would feel like crap after because I ate dinner trying to satisfy my hunger and eliminate the craving but it didn't work, so then I also ate the poutine and the milkshake. Last week I survived mostly on soda crackers and sweettarts! I ate sweettarts until my mouth was swollen, my tongue was raw and it hurt. I could not stop. Rest assured that I am still taking my prenatal vitamin daily, and I think as long as you keep something down and take your vitamin, baby should have everything he/she needs to keep growing! here's hoping, because I haven't been pushing myself to eat anything that seems even remotely revolting.

Oh and pancakes with maple syrup. Wow. DH had to go get me pancake mix last weekend because I had to have them. I have eaten them another 3 times since and am now thinking I may make some for breakfast right after I finish this post!

Needless to say, I'm anxious to get back to regular eating habits because it sucks not enjoying food and worrying that I'm going to gain too much weight because all I can eat is candy and takeout.

No belly although I do feel more thick down there. I also don't hold the same posture I used to, I always used to flex my abs, now I don't because it feels gross (because of the nausea, bloating and I guess my expanding uterus) so I have a bit of a gut but I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm letting it all hang out. Okay, gut sounds gross, I don't really have a gut, I'm very fortunate and have skinny genes so it's not really a gut but, there's more hanging out front than I had previously.

Breasts have grown a little but I haven't had any really serious pain there, just some tenderness.

Must get pancakes. I'll post more updates this week so stay tuned for posts in my two appointments as well as our decision on a caregiver!

Still here, 7 weeks 1 day

I have been pretty quiet the last week, mostly because I feel like ‘blah’ and didn’t think anyone would want to read about that and a little because by the time I get home at night I can’t bear the thought of opening up my computer again. It was a long weekend in Canada this past weekend and I had to work 2 out of the 3 days which didn’t help matters. I’m probably a big baby, because I think I could be far worse off than I am, but I just feel like dirt. I am exhausted, getting pimples, bloated and usually nauseous. Sunday night we went out for Canada day and of course I wasn’t drinking but everyone else was, and yet I was the one with a “hangover” on Monday. So not fair! The nausea is really aggravating. I can feel great one minute and then the next I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to avoid throwing up all over the audit room table. Or I see/smell something (ie. chicken bones in the garbage) and suddenly I’m heaving in the lunchroom thanking my lucky stars that nobody else is around! I’ve been fairly lucky in the mornings, if I get up and eat some greek yogurt, kashi and berries before work, I feel pretty good until about 11:15am even though I bring fruit/berries to munch on all morning. Then I have lunch and once I convince myself to swallow it, I usually feel better until around 2:30 then the cycle starts again. I think part of my problem might be that I’m not eating the right things but I haven’t felt like doing groceries. DH has been assigned to that mission for tonight. I’ve also asked him to pick up some of those lifesavers mints which I love. When we were traveling in south America, whenever we felt nauseous we would suck on a few of those and they made a world of difference (they really were lifesavers!). I’m hoping they will work for this too. Needless to say that this is tough… I just feel all around ‘blah’ – that’s the best word I can find the describe it. If I could tell my managers at work it might be easier because they would cut me some slack (well… maybe, hopefully?) or I would TAKE some slack but that’s not an option yet.

On the other hand – I wouldn’t trade the nausea for the alternative. We announced the baby to my Mom this weekend and she is just beside herself with excitement – she said the minute she saw me she knew and wondered whether I would tell her right away or not (I’m not really sure how she could “tell” but my Mom knows me really well – she said she felt like I have a bit of a belly, but I think it may just have been the dress I had on and/or the bloating!) I made her promise not to tell anyone so when we went out for dinner and the topic of babies came up (repeatedly!!) she sat quietly, and then when we got home she did a happy dance in my hall saying she had been good all night and she had to let it out! It made both DH and I feel very excited and made us realize what a gift we’re being blessed with.

Besides the above, the only other symptom I have are larger breasts. Not much larger, but when I get up in the morning and step out of bed they feel heavy. I am really small chested so it’s such an unusual feeling for me. DH is calling me “jugs” which is hilarious because I am so far from it, but he can see/feel the difference too – finally bigger than a handful, lol.

I’m still very much looking forward to my appointment on July 18. I can hardly wait, my patience dwindles with each passing day. I’m hoping by then the nausea will start to subside so that I feel good for our trip at the end of the month… fingers crossed!! If not I may ask them to prescribe me some anti-nausea stuff to get me through because it would be such a waste to feel sick in London and Paris!

Things that get me through the day - 6 wks

Water (although I did not drink enough of it today!) I love my contigo water bottles from Costco. Before anyone gets crazy on me because it's plastic, it is BPA free. I don't like the stainless steel ones because you can't see what's in them and when they're filled with cold water they are freezing to the touch. I have about 6 of these and I carry one with me everywhere I go.

Raspberries. Thank god I'm working in the office right now and there's a grocery store across the street! I love me some raspberries!! Mmm.

6 weeks and eating ALL the time

Right on time according to my doctor, I started getting pregnancy symptoms, finally. They're not drastic, but last night looked like this:

Went to bed at 1am (was trying to finish some work so Monday would be easier), laid down on my stomach and realized it was uncomfortable because my bbs hurt. Rolled onto my back and felt a bit congested (PG symptom or new allergies, no idea?), got another pillow to prop myself up and the congestion got better but I was starving because it was now 1:30am and I hadn't eaten since about 7pm. Started feeling nauseous because my stomach was empty. Decided I wouldn't fall asleep unless I fed myself something, got up out of bed, ate some crackers and drank some water and went back to bed.

Starting late last week and through the weekend, if I am hungry I start burping uncontrollably. I googled this and it seems I am not alone with this one and frankly am probably lucky that the gas is only coming out one end at this point! I'm not necessarily nauseous or sick to my stomach but I definitely don't feel great. As soon as I eat something, I'm fine. Unfortunately, I am craving junk food. The thought of spinach makes my stomach turn and I usually love spinach. The only vegetable I even consider eating is broccoli and only if it's smothered in cheese sauce. Friday night we ate Macdonald's *gasp*. I am so over Macdonald's, or rather, was. Last time I had a sausage McMuffin all I could taste was how unhealthy and greasy it was and swore I wouldn't eat there anymore. Now? Oh my goodness it is just so delicious. Flurry for dessert? Yes, please.

I now know why some pregnant ladies gain way too much weight - because if you stop eating you feel like crap and veggies are gross. I'm trying to stick to healthier "snacks" but they still wouldn't have been my first choice a couple weeks ago - lots of fibre one bars, nuts, Costco trail mix (it has M&M's in it!). Oh and raspberries, thankfully they're not bad for you. Raspberries have always been my favorite, but now, they are better than candy.

Hubs thinks this is all hilarious. It's barely lunch time and he just asked me what "course" I am on (fyi - I am on course #3 - 1-bagel & cream cheese (I had eliminated these from my diet too and they have made a return with a vengeance), 2-a fibre one bar and then 3-two handfuls of trail mix... oh and a glass of chocolate almond milk). I'm sure it's more humorous when you're not the one awake in the middle of the night eating stale crackers.  =P

Twice lucky - appointment update

At the conclusion of my appointment with my own family doctor, she suggested that I call the midwifery clinic to see if I could get in, and if not to let her know and she would provide a referral to a friend of hers who is a family doctor who provides obstetrics care and delivers babies.

I called the midwifery clinic from my car in the parking lot because I was so afraid it would already be too late to get in (I had read that in Canada February is a really popular month for birthdays!). They took my information, told me that I was outside of their "catchment" area - ie. the district in which they operate, literally I am on the wrong side of the street I am so so close!). I begged and they promised they woud consider it and would let me know in 2-3 days one way or the other. Wednesday, Thursday and part of Friday passed with no word and I was starting to worry that if I didn't get a referral soon that I wouldn't get in to see the family doctor who my Dr. W. really likes. So I called Dr. W. and asked her for a referral and started convincing myself that family doctor was definitely the way to go.

Monday, Dr. W. confirmed that she had provided the referral and Tuesday morning I was able to schedule an appointment with Dr. R. for July 18. The information I got was "bring your partner, the appointment will be about 45 minutes".

Wednesday, to my surprise, I got a call from MY midwife. Yes, apparently they make all their own calls to their patients. I was really surprised that they agreed to take me given I live on the "wrong" side of the streed AND that I'd got a spot! She was so sweet and nice and we scheduled an appointment for July 23. She took my email address and promised to send me a package of information. I haven't received the information yet but I am excited about it. If I don't get it today I'll email them to make sure they got my email address right.

I feel incredibly fortunate because I have options. I also feel bad (almost like i'm two-timing a boyfriend! lol) because I am going to go to the same appointment with two different health care providers and could be taking up a spot for someone who is in desperate need of care. Despite this, I have decided to keep both appointments. I will meet both, get a better understanding about their practice and their beliefs and how well I connect with each of them and then make a decision. As of today, just based on the phone discussions I had, I'm leaning towards midwife but I think DH is on side with the family doctor. Only time will tell. 4 more weeks!!

Chinese Gender Prediction

I took a cue from Megan and the link posted by Fitness Fiend and went to http://www.babycenter.com/chinese-gender-predictor to see what they would predict for me.

 I love that before they show you the chart it says "Remember, this tool has a 50-50 chance of being right". It gave me a good laugh. Obviously I did this just for fun but I am happy that it came back girl (I've always wanted a little girl)! Having said that, a baby with 10 fingers and 10 toes, regardless of gender is really all I'm working towards!

Doctor Appointment

I should have written this last week but better late than never! Get ready because it's a long one....

I had an appointment with my family doc (Dr. W) last Tuesday. When I had talked to her last fall about starting to TTC in the spring, she stressed that I needed to go see her the minute I POAS and got a BFP so she could get me in to see a good obstetrics care provider as they are seriously limited. So that's what I did!

I will admit that I expected more from my appointment, like maybe to get confirmation that I am actually pregnant from a medical professional vs. from pee on a stick but unfortunately that didn't happen. Here are the things she did cover:

1. Q: When was your last period? A: May 14.
2. Q: How long is a regular cycle? A: 29 days. I have been charting so know that I ovulated May 28.
3. Q: Was it planned? Were you taking folic acid or a pre-natal vitamin? A: Yes to both.
4. Q: Any symptoms? A: No.
5. Q: No symptoms at all? Not even sore nipples? Not even sore nipples in the shower under hot water? A: No. Should I?
6. You will start feeling more symptomatic at week 6. If you have extreme nausea and have a hard time keeping down food, call me and I can prescribe you something to help deal with it. It is safe and you need to be able to eat to nourish the baby.
7. Q: What type of care do you want? OB / Family Doctor / Midwife? In a hospital or a home birth?

A: This conversation was a bit of a longer one because I had never heard of a family doctor delivering babies. I thought my options were limited to Midwife or OB. My initial instinct was midwife for 2 reasons:
- my sister-in-law's first birth was in a hospital with an OB and it sounds horrifying when she describes it and her second birth was in a hospital with a midwife and she raves about how great it was
- I've read and heard that midwives provide far more individualized care and allocate more time to each patient so you can ask as many questions as you want and they take the time to answer. Some of them even make house calls! Access to more ultra sounds, etc. if you want them for your piece of mind.

However my doctor did not seem as excited about midwives as I was. She asked me if I wanted an all natural birth or if I would want an epidural. I told her that I've never given birth before and therefore have no idea what to expect. While a natural birth sounds nice conceptually (mostly because of the shorter recovery time) I'm not  going to make a firm decision because I don't think it will really be within my control and I want to have the option of an epidural if I so desire it at the time. Not to mention that DH has a tendency to pass out when someone he loves is in pain (no joke - he is just really empathetic) and therefore, if I want him to be awake for the birth of his first child I may have to get the epidural for his sake. So, all that to say that I want options. Dr. W. felt that some midwives are very pro natural labour and will strongly discourage epidurals and since we don't really get to pick  or choose a midwive because of the demand for them (you basically are lucky if you can get in to see one) she wanted me to be aware that there is a chance I would get one that is against epideurals. As a result, she suggested that a family doctor that delivers babies might be a better option for me. (Dr. W. doesn't deliver babies. She will care for newborns but didn't want the lifestyle of being on call 24/7 for obstetric patients as she has a family of her own). They are highly trained, provide more personalized care/more time for their patients than an OB, deliver in hospitals and are generally very open to whatever the mother wants to do during labor and delivery. I decided that since I wasn't ready to commit one way or the other, I would try to get in with a midwife and get a referral to another family doctor.

Re: the OB. We didn't really talk much about this one. I know many people who adore their OB's and I would certainly be going that route if I anticipated any issues or risks associated with my pregnancy. Since I have no reason to worry about that right now, I decided I wanted someone who was a bit more personal and who would be more likely to be there for my birth.

Again - I haven't had any time to do a whole lot of research on this yet so understand there are likely to be wildly differing opinions on the subject. This is just what feels comfortable to me and I followed my gut. I welcome your comments on it!

8. Things to avoid - there are not many. Mostly coffee because it increases your risk of miscarriage. If you need it, one cup a day is okay but no more that that. I stopped drinking coffee in March.

9. Risk of miscarriage is 1/6. Miscarriage is completely out of your control. It happens if the DNA hasn't fused correctly or if there are chromosomal issues, or if the blastocyte did not fuse properly to the inside of the uterus and therefore isn't getting enough nourishment. Regardless, it's not your fault and there's nothing you can do about it.

I think that's about all she covered. Glad I have it written down in case I need to refer back to it later. That stat on miscarriage is scary but I'm focussing on the fact that 5/6 would be successful! Still no symptoms today though....

Welcome to week 5

First off - I want to thank whoever decided to count from the time of your last period to determine the # of weeks pregnant you are. Going from zero to 4 immediately and now to 5 is awesome!! It makes me feel so much closer to the "safe zone". Sometimes I need to give my head and check so I remember I'm only 3 weeks past conception and it's just a wee seed in there!

So far, I've felt awesome besides some minor hormonal episodes where I'm crying my eyes out. I haven't felt sick, I'm sleeping a bit better now (there was a series of about 4 days where I got no sleep at all) and my bbs are not at all tender. It is sort of freaking me out that I don't feel pregnant but DH says that it must be that my body is well-nourished and has everything it needs to operate optimally and therefore isn't making me feel sick because in fact it is doing well. I love his optimism and am holding on to that! Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm tired because I'm pregnant, but I think the reality is that I'm tired because I'm working too many hours a day and not going to bed early enough and then getting up too early in the mornings to work more.

I already feel attached to my little peanut in there. I catch myself apologizing to him/her when I feel more stressed than usual. When does the safe time start? After the first trimester? 8 more weeks? geez. So far so good. Make yourself comfy in there little one!!

I've signed up for all the newsletters and wish there was more to read each day because it is enthralling. I'm not going to reiterate that my baby (embryo?) is the size of an apple seed today (or compare it to food every single week until February) despite how neat it is to have something to equate the size to. However I will say that I'm blown away that the heart starts beating this week. That is absolutely beyond crazy to me and I would do anything to see it right now.

I also got some good news today. My doctor referred me to a family doctor in the hospital I think (I haven't done a whole lot of research yet to be certain) I will want to deliver at AND I looked her up online and she is rated very well (4.6/5 - pretty good!). I called to try to make an appoitment today and the office was already closed but I am going to call again in the morning. I'm hoping I'll get to go in around 8 weeks which is still a whole only 3 weeks away! Keep your fingers crossed that I'll get in to see her that soon!

Let's talk about sex

I'd rather talk about it at this stage than actually do it. I'll admit, I was really nervous about doing the deed knowing I'm now pregnant. I know it's okay to do it, as long as you're not a high risk pregnancy and as long as you aren't getting spotting, etc. Since my doctor did absolutely no diagnostics on me when I went to see her, how would I know if I'm high risk? I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not, but if I was, I wouldn't know. I haven't had any spotting either...

Regardless, sex is the absolute furthest thing from my mind these days. I would say that I had a healthy sex drive before my BFP and even before TTC but now it has dwindled to zero. I think it's a combination of hesitation about the risks and just not being interesting in it. Am I alone here or is anyone else feeling this way? I'm still really attracted to my husband and I feel very close to him, pobably now more than ever, but I have no desire to be intimate in that way. My poor hubby!!

Needless to say... we did it anyway. It ended up being good but I had a hard time getting out of my own head in the beginning. I hope it gets better as time wears on.

Any tips of tricks for getting past this?! I read that in the second trimester the desire returns.... I'm hoping it doesn't take that long!

4 weeks pregnant

I had a terrible start to this week. Both days ended with me crying my eyes out to my husband about how much I hate my job and how I'm sure that 12-15 hour days and this much stress cannot be good for a pregnancy. I haven't felt pregnant at all and then at my doctor's appointment today she didn't even do a blood test to make sure I'm on the right track which seems very weird to me. I also apparently have to decide what type of care I want right now because it is so limited in Toronto (midwife/family doctor/OB). So what I really want to do in the evenings is research about pregnancy and talk with DH about making these decisions and instead I am working/crying because I have too much work that I HATE.

I want to be happy and dreaming and planning and instead... You get the point.

To console myself tonight I went and picked up a clear blue digital test that also approximates time from conception. My frown was turned upside down when I saw the word pregnant and a 3+ because it made me feel good that my HCG is increasing like it should be even though I have no pregnancy symptoms yet. Way to grow little one!!

Then to top it all off one of my other blog ladies (yay Megan!!!) announced her BFP tonight too!! I could not be more thrilled about how this cycle has gone and there are still some others in the TWW that I am very optimistic about.

There is so much more I want to say but I am beat and need to get some rest!!

Monday, Monday

I hate Mondays, but even a stressful Monday morning can’t ruin my mood since I got my BFP on Saturday. It’s pretty hard to believe that I’m actually pregnant considering I still don’t feel different. I was out shopping on the weekend and I really wanted to buy another package of HPTs so I could keep POAS and seeing that yes, it’s true, I am pregnant, but I didn’t. Now I’m sort of wishing I had because my temp dropped this morning and it’s kind of freaking me out considering AF would be due tomorrow. I think I should stop temping so I don’t worry more than I need to every time there’s a fluctuation but now I feel compelled to temp again tomorrow so that I can (hopefully) see my temp go back up? On the other hand, I don’t really believe in false positives, especially in this case because my 2 lines were so bright, there was no mistaking it for a negative test. The lines came up immediately, I was trying not to look at the test during the 3 minutes you’re supposed to wait but I could see the lines in my peripheral vision while I was washing my hands!! They’re still there this morning (yes I still have it, can’t bring myself to throw it out yet).

My bbs are a bit tender, sometimes they just feel a little like they’re bruised (if that makes sense), and maybe a little heavier feeling, but I probably wouldn’t notice except for the fact that I’m expecting them to be sore. Yesterday I was e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d!! DH and I didn’t sleep at all on Saturday night, I think we were too excited to sleep! I’ll write another post on how I told him the news, although, don’t get too excited because it’s not a good story lol. I considered waiting until Father’s day but I knew he was anxious to know, it felt unfair to make him wait.

I called and made an appointment with my family doctor for tomorrow morning. She could have seen me this afternoon but I’m working about an hour outside of the city and I have an insanely busy day, it would have been challenging for me to get back to the city AND get my work done today. I hope I get to do a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and make sure that all my levels (I don't even know what levels lol - hcg??) are where they should be for this stage in the game.

DH was right!!

Home alone. Lost all my will power to wait. Had to test....and there they are. Two bright pink lines that showed up immediately. (sorry for the crappy iphone pic.... I can't stop shaking)

Cycle #2, 11DPO

I wanted to post a quick update after my crazy rambling yesterday. My temps went down slightly this morning and I haven’t had any hot flashes yet today. When I woke up I had a little bit of clear wet CM that I felt while I was brushing my teeth but when I checked CP I found brownish sticky CM (lighter than yesterday) so I’m not sure what that wet CM was all about. My cervix is reachable again and still feels firm and closed. Absolutely no other symptoms to report.

I don’t feel mentally ready to test yet… with the weekend starting, I’m sort of enjoying the feeling of hope that I have now and I don’t want to ruin it by testing and getting a BFN. That said, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time if something changes that makes me feel more optimistic about possibly getting a BFP.

I was sort of hoping that my temp would go up again this morning but no such luck. I took my temp last night when I got home from work around 9pm and it was much higher than it usually is during the day/evening. (Yes, I’m a geek and I have been curious about how my temp fluctuates during the day). Usually it’s right on 37… sometimes 36.95, sometimes 37.03. Last night – 37.22! Seemed like a big jump considering that both pre and post-O it stayed around 37. It probably doesn’t mean anything.

That’s all for now folks! Have a lovely weekend!!

10DPO… good news or bad news?

This morning I woke up and temp’d like I usually do except instead of my temp staying flat like it has been the last week or so it was up almost .2 degrees Celsius. (take a look at my chart from the link on the right!) The house was at our regular temperature, about 21 degrees Celsius but during the night I stole all the covers from DH so I attributed it to my being nice and cozy warm all night. I went and brushed my teeth, part of my regular morning routine, but while I was doing that I had a bit of a rush of “wet” feeling down there which was very surprising considering this is generally the driest part of my cycle. I checked CM and although it was what I would usually classify as sticky, it was brownish.

Bad news?
AF is coming way early and I have an LP only 9 days long???

Good news?
Implantation??

At first I was thrilled, I was so excited thinking this must be it. I had no cramps yesterday which I usually get the day before AF. Now I’m feeling twinges but nothing intense like usual AF. And I’m afraid of going to the bathroom and seeing red. I drank a large mint tea this morning and I need to go but I just don’t want to because I'm not ready for bad news, it's too early for bad news.

I’ll post another update later when I work up the courage and/or if anything changes.

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Update: 11:39 am.
I'm thinking and thinking again.... it doesn't make sense to have a temp spike and AF, does it? I have never seen that in a chart. I'm so busy at work and don't have time to creep charts!! Cramps a bit more evident now but just on and off... I didn't prepare myself for AF this early.... But I'm not even sure if she's coming. I don't feel it yet... and usually when AF does start, I get red streaks right away, not just brown. Oh dear... going to be a long day. (I know I sound like a crazy person... but I can't help it, this is what is going on in my brain right now!)

******
Update: 11:45 am
I went to the washroom and there is no sign of AF yet. A bit of a relief.

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Update: 6:11 pm
AF is nowhere to be found (yet!). No more brown tinge. Cervix has disappeared on me completely. I can't even reach it - this is new, I've never not been able to reach it. I feel a bit like I'm having hot flashes today. Having said that I've been sitting in sunny room so even though the air conditioning is on I think it's still a bit warmer than usual. My hands are cold to the touch but my face is on fire. I would also suggest that my stress/excitement over the events of today have me off kilter, not to mention that work has been stressful today too. Trying not to read into it too far. Not sure I'll be able to wait until 18DPO to POAS if this keeps up though....

Feeling normal – 7DPO (or 8DPO?)

Woke up this morning wishing that I was nauseous. I think being nauseous is the worst feeling ever but it would have been nice. Instead I woke up like I do every other Monday with absolutely nothing weird going on. Starting to lose hope for this cycle despite my optimism last week that we did everything right and that I would get my BFP. Maybe it’s just the Monday blues?

I made a mistake Friday night. I told a friend (who isn’t even a close friend) that we are trying. She and her hubby are trying and are not making any secret about it and it felt great in the moment to just let it out – I am not very good at secrets. It was also nice to actually talk to someone live about their plans. Now all I can think of is how green with jealousy I will be if she gets her BFP on her first try and we are still waiting for months to come. Obviously I want her to be able to get pregnant right away, like I hope for all women, but it would still be upsetting for me. Ideally we’d get our BFPs around the same time and I would have a friend to have play dates with while on mat leave!! I’m hoping that it doesn’t get around to all our friends – DH was VERY surprised that I let the cat out of the bag, although he is very understanding and is really letting me lead the TTC process and do what I am comfortable with so he wasn’t annoyed that I gave away our secret.

At 7 DPO (or 8 maybe, depending on your interpretation of my chart) I’ve got no unusual symptoms. My temp is still up but is constant. I read that sometimes you will see a triphasic pattern if you get pregnant (ie. get another temp spike after implantation). According to FF I should be expecting AF Tuesday or Wednesday next week. 8 or 9 more days!!

Last night

As we were going to be last night hubs was cozying up to me…

Me: “Are you feeling frisky again?”
DH: “I’m TRYING to make a baby! Is it a green day?” (We call fertile days green days because of how fertility friend outlines those days in green)
Me: “Nope, the time has come and gone”
DH: “When? How do you KNOW that?”
Me: “Sunday or Monday. I know because my temp spiked. Want to see?”
DH: “We had sex both of those days, yes!! Did you write that down, too?”

Love my hubby. I didn’t tell him at all this cycle when my fertile time was because I thought it would be more fun if we were doing it just because we wanted to. Anyway, I explained the chart to him, he thinks it is pretty neat. I don’t think he was all that frisky after all because after we looked at my chart he fell asleep instantly. Men! Have you shared your chart with your BD partner?

My temps are still up there today. FF changed my O day to Monday now and moved my coverline up above my temp on Sunday. I have decided that I won’t test this cycle until 18 DPO if my temps are still high. The only reason I would test earlier is if I am getting obvious PG symptoms. We’ll see how disciplined I can be…

Dotted red lines

Quick update because I was admiring my chart and noticed that my previously solid red lines are now dotted red lines for O. She says that my other fertility indicators cause some confusion about my O day. I must not have done a good enough job recording CM and CP. It’s sort of annoying me because I want it to start showing DPO. Maybe she’s just confused about the exact date because I am pretty sure it must have happened either Day 14 or Day 15 because the thermal shift is pretty obvious, as long as my temps continue to be high. CP and CM are definitely going back to non-fertile characteristics. Firm CP and sticky CM. I guess I'll have to wait and see if my temps stay high. Once again, waiting seems to be the name of the game!

I’ll be interested to see how long my luteal phase is, although am definitely hoping for BFP and that I therefore wouldn’t find out this cycle. 

TTC Cycle #2 – 1 DPO?

If you look at my chart today, it looks like I may have ovulated yesterday. Unfortunately, I’m not 100% comfortable that my temping today was accurate because I got out of bed to go to the washroom around 4am and then got up at 6:30am and my sleep in between wasn’t solid. And it was HOT last night. Taking into account humidity, it was nearly 40 degrees (Celsius) in Toronto yesterday and was around 27 degrees in the house overnight which is much warmer than we usually keep it but I expected it to cool down so I just opened the windows instead of putting on the air conditioning. I was very warm during the night. I wonder how environmental temperature affects basal body temperature. It is cooling down a bit today, I guess I’ll have to be patient and wait until tomorrow to see if my temp stays high. Based on CM and CP, it would make sense that O happened yesterday, but as a beginner I’m not confident with my assessments of those secondary fertility indicators. It does seem that CM is starting to dry up a bit, since yesterday… it was still a little bit like EW but more sticky than the really fertile stuff. If O did happen yesterday, we covered all our bases with BD which is good news. I didn’t even try to keep hubby on a schedule this cycle, he has just been really frisky lol. He said he’s been sleeping much better since we started working on baby making so maybe that’s part of it? Lol

I can’t believe I am back at the TWW again. It’s definitely good news but I felt a bit surprised this morning when I processed that fact. Still feeling much calmer than I did last cycle which is an incredible relief. It may be partly because I’m so busy at work. But ask me again tomorrow and it may be a different story! :)

Lovely weekend and feeling good

I am just popping in for a quick update! We had a beautiful weekend here in Toronto and even got up to the cottage for a day. I may have drank half of hubby's beer while we were there. I had been pretty religious about avoiding alcohol but I figure half a glass here or there while we are TTC shouldn't hurt. It was so good for the soul to be out of the city even though it was for just one day.

I'm on CD14 and have been having EWCM for the last 2 days. At least I am pretty sure it is CM and not semen. I've been trying to record my CP as well but it's kind of a difficult thing to do in the first month because I don't have a point of reference yet, so it's hard to say whether it's high or open or medium and medium. So I'm recording my best guess for this month. What I do know is that it is definitely moving up, getting softer and feeling more open than it was at the beginning of my cycle.

Overall I am feeling strangely calm and optimistic about this cycle. I think I felt a lot of pressure to conceive the first month just because it seemed everyone else was doing it (haha I know that sounds sort of ridiculous but looking back on it now I did feel that way). Now that it obviously didn't happen, I am somewhat more comfortable with just doing what we can and temping and hoping for the best.

Busted

So sorry for falling off the map this past week. I have been a busy girl and have been using any energy leftover at the end of the day to work on my resume and talking to some of my mentors about that internal position I mentioned. Which I decided last night, not to apply for. It’s too long to write about on here, but in the end, I think I’m going to leave the firm altogether and it doesn’t really fit into my loosely-defined career goals. As exhausting as it can be to be thinking about a career change, it’s been a good reprieve from thinking about TTC every waking moment. But if you have been checking out my chart you will see that I was still alive and still temping! I am really enjoying it, I get a strange satisfaction from looking at my chart, like I’ve done something really good even though I haven’t really done much at all. Can you relate? You will notice that I discarded one of my temps…While I was away on the weekend I got up to go the bathroom probably about an hour before I actually got up, not thinking about what time it was or anything and then my temp was high and I didn’t think it was representative so I discarded it.

Back to the title of this post! As you know my family doesn’t know we are TTC and I was concerned that my beeping thermometer every morning (10 beeps!) would tip them off that something was going on. Unfortunately I was caught before it was even time to use the thermometer. I was staying in the guest bedroom so as I was going to bed I put the thermometer in the top drawer of the bedside table so that if anyone came into the room they wouldn’t see it lying around. Our dog was in my room with me and my Mom came up to get her and I was complaining that I am starting to get allergies and was quite congested (side bar – I have never had allergies until now, I am 29, why are they arriving now?). So Mom helpfully offered me some allergy pills which were IN THE TOP DRAWER in the bedside table. She opened the drawer and said “Oh, a thermometer. I guess you’re uh… checking yourself. Well, I knew it was in the plans eventually”. I had no words. All I could think of was “busted”! haha. Then she walked out. My mom is one of my best friends now that I’m older and I was surprised she dropped it so quickly. Although she did make a few other comments when I was talking about eating healthy such “oh yes, it’s a good idea to get your body healthy, just smart, really” that I think (hope) nobody else caught on to!

Happy Friday!

Thoughts on work

Outside of TTC, I have a lot going on in my life right now. Sometimes I feel like I can hardly catch up to my own thoughts. I find that when I write them down, it helps me to add context, prioritize and sometimes get some sleep at night. Which I think I need more of, especially for TTC. That said, I am warning you that this isn't directly a TTC post and is more of an internal debate, that is now on paper, to hopefully help me find some clarity - up to you if you want to read or not!

I'm a CA - Chartered Accountant. And I'm a good one. Not to toot my own horn, but I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am. After completing my first degree (Science & Business, majoring in biochemistry, minor in Biology, minor in Economics) I started working for the professional services firm I still work for today but in a marketing capacity. After a couple of years, career progression was moving too slowly for my liking, and with a bit of encouragement from a Partner I was working with, I went back to university to get the accounting credits I needed to qualify for a CA. While working full-time, I completed 16 intense university accounting courses in about a year and a half. Then I transferred to an audit role in the firm, where I currently reside, and wrote the series of 3 gruelling professional exams (and placed in the top 50 in the country on the final, the UFE, of probably over 4,000 writers although the actual # is not disclosed) while working on the practical experience I needed to finally qualify for my CA. I do not like my job. I like the people I work with, but I have a hard time with the demands, the hours and constant stress, not to mention that sometimes I feel like I'm not being used to my full potential... a lot of the time I'm just doing whatever I can to satisfy someone else so that I can just cross something off my ever growing list of to-do's. The daily choice is to either work really long day + weekends and do a good job or work your regular 10 hours and do a mediocre job. As a perfectionist, this sucks. As a perfectionist who loves life and her friends and family, running and hanging out at the cottage in the summer, it is devastating. I feel guilty all the time - guilty because I left work "early" (by firm standards) to try to be home to have dinner wtih hubby or guilty because I'm working late and hubby's at home alone... again. I know I need a change. The dilemna though, is to decide what I'm willing to sacrifice. I know I will go back to work after kids, because I enjoy the stimulation and because it is expensive to maintain our lifestyle living in the city. But, I want to be able to make them breakfast in the morning, pick them up after school and coach their school soccer team. I want to be happy when I'm not at work instead of stressed about not working. I also want to be challenged in my job. If I'm not challenged, I'm not productive and then I'm just frustrated. I want to make a difference and keep learning. I have been racking my brains and stalking job boards to see if there are any jobs that fit the above description and no luck - you either get good balance and risk being bored or are working too much.

An internal position came up today. It is more of a research position - where I would provide tools to audit teams related to technical accounting issues. This sounds good to me. Without clients (well, paying, external clients like big public companies) the pressures would be significantly reduced and hours more reasonable. But, I am afraid. I don't think I will be allowed to transfer because they have "groomed" me for certain jobs. And, by applying, they will all know I am done with audit. So, if I don't get it, my life will be made difficult by those I work with, as they will not be pleased. I just don't know what to do and I know I'm the only one who can make the decision. I'm also afraid of disappointing people... and myself. This would be considered an "easy" job. If I go, I know what people will say - "what a waste of good talent". I have heard it all before. I think I am almost over what other people think, though. Now I need to get over the fact that I worked my a$$ off and now am willing to let it all go. Because, I think that's where I am at. The once career-minded, competitive, go getter, now really just wants to make babies and be an awesome wife and mother.

Thankfully - I have this weekend off and it's a long weekend in Canada! Hubby is going to a bachelor party in the US so my sister and I are going to hang out with my Mom for the weekend - eat at fancy restaurants, have some delicious home cooked meals and spend a day at the spa. I may even drink some wine since AF is here. I can't wait! I am ready for a break from the hustle and bustle of the city and work and house renos.

On that note, I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Looking forward to coming back refreshed and ready to DTD and hopefully get our BFP. The rest will fall into place.

Temping is hard work

Yes, it's day one of temping and I'm already encountering difficulties! I had a dream that I took my temp and the thermometer literally disintegrated in my mouth and I couldn't return it because it was all in pieces lol. Goes to show how much faith I had after testing it out yesterday. Then I was tossing and turning all night. Woke up at 5:17 and couldn't bring myself to wake up my hubby with the beeping because I wasn't sure just how loud it would be in the stillness of the morning. So, I rolled over hoping to sleep some more with no luck. I finally took my temp at 6:45 but I wouldn't necessarily call it my waking temp since I wasn't just waking up.

In the end, if i wrap my hand around the end of the thermometer really tight, the beeping is not too loud, I think if hubby is sleeping well, it may not wake him up. I'll try harder tomorrow!

I know they say to take the temp at the same time every day. BUT, is it better to actually get your waking temp? For instance, if I usually wake up at 6:40 and then one day I wake up around 5:15 for some reason, should I take my temp then so it's my waking temp (waking from my night of sleep) or is it better to try to go back to sleep and take it at the regular time, 6:40 but risk not actually falling back asleep and therefore it isn't really a waking temp? I should add that as soon as I wake up in the morning, I am thinking about work and deadlines. I can feel my blood pressure rising when I wake up in the morning. So I'm thinking it's probably better in my case to do it right away.  As a point of reference.... my "waking" temp this morning was 36.35. After I got up and showered I took it again just to see, and it was 36.65. Only a .3 degree celsius difference. Does that make sense? I'm guessing my waking temp would probably be lower if done accurately. For all my expert temp-ers out there, please weigh-in!

Success!

One walmart superstore and 4 pharmacies later, I finally found a BBT Thermometer at the Shoppers Drug Mart closest to my house. I am shocked at how hard it was to find. Is it a Canadian thing? It seems like everyone in blogland found theirs easily. Anyway, let me introduce my new thermometer. Me and her are going to get really well acquainted this cycle. Here she is, pretty in pink, the life brand Basal Digital Thermometer, model #5944.

For $19.99 + HST this baby is accurate to 1/100th degree, beeps when ready and displays the last temperature taken. It is also water resistant and automatically shuts off after 9 minutes to conserve batteries.

That's some fancy marketing folks. I tested it out tonight to make sure I know how to use it and have already noticed a few things:

• Not only does it beep when done, it beeps TEN TIMES. TEN. My husband is going to curse me every. single. morning. This is also going to make it difficult to do when I'm sleeping on an air mattress right outside my mother's room when visiting her this weekend since the family doesn't know we're TTC. Oh, but according to the manual, it only does this "sometimes". Other times, the little C will just stop flashing when it's done. How am I supposed to see a C about the size of the tip of a pencil in the dark, on a stick that is right below my nose? Suggestions welcome.
• It displays the last temperature taken but only if you remember to hold the "on" button for 3 seconds when turning it on the next time you use it. If you forget to do this, it is lost forever.
• I took my temp while sitting on the couch 3 times without moving. The temperatures it read were as follows: 36.65 degrees, 36.95 degrees, 36.90 degrees. Hmmmm. User error? I tried to put it in the exact same spot in my mouth, in the "hot" spot, consistent with the diagrams in the user manual.
• Water resistant seems more like a requirement than a "feature" considering where I'm going to put it.

Alright, all jokes aside - I hope in practice it works better than this first impression. I'm excited to finally have it, start using it, charting my temps and sharing them with you.

Confession

I broke down and took an HPT late last night, CD31. Hubby has been asking me daily if I think I am pregnant and yesterday I told him we could take a test to see. We went out and bought one (actually two – First Response) and BFN. Am I really surprised? No. Disappointed? Absolutely. Discouraged? I would like to say no, but I am a bit deflated. More than anything it’s the long cycle that I find frustrating because it makes me feel as though there is something wrong since I was so regular before. Why did I suggest we test? I had what felt like my regular cramps that announce AF’s pending arrival but I had them Friday, Saturday and a bit again yesterday, but still no AF. Usually I get them only the day before she arrives. My bbs are a little tender but truthfully, I never paid much attention to them before so it could be that they always feel this way. And then on Saturday DH opened a can of tuna and it almost blew me away how much it stunk and it usually doesn’t bother me all that much. That and because I didn’t know when I ovulated this month and thus no idea when to expect AF so I thought it couldn’t hurt. The sad thing is that the waiting continues. Lots of waiting in this game! Waiting now until AF arrives – I hope she hurries up!

On a brighter note, we had a wonderful weekend. I really am very fortunate to have such a thoughtful and loving husband. I think he knows the waiting was making me a bit nuts so he made sure we were busy all weekend (kind of funny to think that eventually it was his impatience that resulted in us just testing!). He took me out for a nice dinner Friday night, Saturday we met with friends for dinner and yesterday we tiled our laundry room floor together. It was nice to spend some one on one time with him. I think the one thing that scares me most about having children is that I will have to share him with someone else. So selfish, I know but I can't help it, he's been exclusively mine for over 10 years.

Onwards and upwards! Happy Monday to all my TTC ladies.

****End of day update for my ladies*******************************************************
Just to be upfront with you, I absolutely stalk your blogs and am seriously thinking about you and your journeys almost as much as I'm thinking about mine. So, in the event that you're even remotely as involved in my journey as I am in yours, I thought it would be nice of me to post this update. AF is here and I am happy to see her! It means I can stop waiting and start planning again. Hip hip hooray!  (Kind of wish I had waited one more day and saved myself $10 on the HPT! lol)

CD 32 is now Cycle #2, CD1. Happy to be boarding the roller coaster again.

TWW Update

To date, I have had no signs of pregnancy – no headache, cramps, cravings, aches or pains and I’m not any more hungry, thirsty or emotional than usual. Although I eat at least 3 meals a day plus snacks and drink at least 12 cups of water on a regular day so maybe I wouldn’t get hungry/thirsty if I am always ahead of it. Hard to say! I’m trying to be optimistic without setting the expectation that I must be pregnant because I don’t want to be too disappointed. So far so good. And I have resisted the temptation to POAS because my body hasn't given me any reason to. In fact I have not even bought any HPTs because as soon as I get it in the house it would be game over!

If by chance I ovulated really late, I'm only 6 dpo so it's still early for symptoms. EIther way, I hope that if AF is coming, that she comes soon, so that I can start charting and start doing SOMETHING again. Waiting isn't any fun!

The Plan

I have been going back and forth on whether to go all out and track everything or to just wing it again or to start slowly and focus just on CM for a cycle. After much debate, I’ve decided to go for it and track everything for the next cycle. I think knowledge is power and even if it makes me a bit obsessed, it's the better alternative for me. I will be tracking cervical fluid, cervix position/firmness/openness, other symptoms/specifics and BBT. I’m hoping that I will then at least be able to tell that I am in fact ovulating and around when in my cycle that takes place which will also help me predict when AF is due. I’m also interested in drawing correlations between stress and exercise in my life and my cycles so I am going to do my best to track that too. I was wondering if maybe last cycle I was suddenly de-stressed and that’s why my cycle lasted so long… have you ever heard of this? I know it’s opposite of what all the literature says, but I can’t pinpoint any particular stress that would have delayed ovulation in my last cycle and it was a time of major stress release for me. This is the main argument in my decision to go for it, at least if I had been tracking that last cycle, maybe I would have an idea of what caused what happened to happen. :)

Next steps:

• Start tracking CM and cervix position now – today was my first day. (You can check out my chart even though there’s nothing to see there yet from the new ticker in the top right of my page - Thanks to Stephanie for explaining how to add it! I haven't purchased the VIP version. Is it worthwhile?)
• Get a BBT thermometer – I need someone to tell me what model is good and where to get it, I’m in Canada. I couldn’t find one at Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart. Or I can always just order it online. I think I want a digital thermometer that beeps when done and has the recall function. Backlight would be a plus but not required

I might wait on buying the thermometer until AF shows up because in the slight chance that she doesn’t, I don’t want to have spent the money needlessly.

Cute & affordable summer clothes for girls TTC

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I spent some time with my sister this weekend - we went shopping! One of the places we went to was Old Navy. Now, I’ll be honest, I’m not a huge fan of the quality of their clothing… I find it doesn’t do well in the wash and I really can’t buy pants there because I am tall (5’8 ½”)  and they always end up too short. BUT, for a few cute and trendy summer pieces, it is a great place to go for some affordable and comfortable, one-season-only clothes. What I mean by this is that, since it’s so cheap, I don’t feel bad buying a few new pieces each year and only wearing them for one season.

This year is especially tough because despite my urge to go out and buy pretty summer outfits, I am hesitant because if I am blessed and do conceive soon, those new clothes may not fit for long, if at all, by the time the summer weather finally comes. That said, I figured it was safe to pick up a few loose and empire-waisted summer dresses. For $18-30 these are a steal of a deal! The Old Navy near me didn’t have all of the dresses they show on their website, but I ended up with the following:

The Cross Smocked Maxi Dress in black. It's made of jersey so it's super comfortable but since it's black, you can totally dress it up if need be.

The Cross Yoke Dress in Navy. Again really comfortable in jersey.

And finally the Floral Chiffon V-Neck in pink, only shown on the website in blue. It is really cute and I can probably wear it to work if I throw a blazer over it.

I also picked up a pair of linen shorts and a couple of tank tops, all in size that fit but have a bit of room to grow in if need be. I couldn’t find them on the website so no photos, sorry! The tanks were $8 each and the shorts on sale for $15! I also bought a pair of cute Luca Ferri Lockamy wedges from Globo in camel:

I needed a pair of nude flats (almost flats!) to pair with some of my more vibrant summer outfits and all of the navy clothes I seem to be drawn to lately. They look pink above but they really are more of a camel color.

Did you put off clothes shopping while TTC or did you try to find stuff that was roomy enough for a bit of belly?

**These are all my own opinions and observations. This post is not sponsored by the retailers mentioned above.

TTC Cycle #1 Recap

I have been MIA for a couple of days - sorry! I had an awesome weekend filled with friends and family and the sun shining :) Since this is something I do for fun and to hopefully become part of a broader TTC community, I decided that if I miss a few days because I get caught up in life, that's okay with me. I hope that you'll keep reading even if I don't check in every day.

I thought it would be worthwhile for me to post a recap of this cycle so far since I haven't really posted any of the nitty-gritty details. If you follow my blog, you would have read one of my posts from last week Just Relax where I touched on the fact that I was regular since going off birth control until the cycle before we officially started TTC when my cycle jumped from 29 days to 36 days. While my cycle was regular, after the first couple of months I stopped paying attention to the signs of fertility like cervical fluid which I had been tracking previously, so I have no idea when I actually ovulated during the pre-TTC cycle. Further, since I had no idea what was going to happen this cycle, I decided to just take a laissez-faire approach - track nothing, BD constantly and hope for the best. Now that I'm in the TWW I'm thinking that this probably isn't the best approach for me. I would rather have an idea of what is going on with my body and possibly an idea of what to expect. More on that later.

Here's TTC Cycle #1 in a nutshell:
CD1 (April 13) -CD4 - AF
We DTD on CD5 just because we wanted to :)
From CD9- CD22 we DTD 11 times. Yep, I think that's a record. I figure that it's unlikely that my cycle would exceed 36 or 37 days (hopefully?!) so CD 22 is 14 days back from then which is the common luteal period so somewhere in there we should have hit a potentially fertile day.

I considered checking CM, but honestly could not tell whether I was looking at leftover semen or CM and gave up on it early on in the cycle. I haven't paid enough attention to know any of my other signs of fertility so I have absolutely no idea if/when I ovulated this cycle... which means I have no idea when the possible window for implanation might be and even worse, when I could test for PG! Let me tell you ladies, this is not fun. My mind is playing tricks on me already. Today is CD25. Yesterday I had cramps all day - they were sort of a dull ache, not as intense as menstrual cramps but not quite like intestinal cramps, although it is hard to say because I've never concentrated so hard on cramps before in my life... honestly I was loving it thinking maybe there was hope after all. Oh and my boobs - I am constantly squeezing them as if they are a direct line to my uterus. So far nothing yet but I'm sure they will start to be tender soon from all the abuse they are getting. My husband is also pointing things out to me all the time now too. For example, we were eating a treat we have been hooked on lately, and I told him it tasted funny to me. He gave me his most convincing "you must be pregnant if this tastes funny" eyes. There is no escaping it.

Okay, rant over. As a result of the above, I went out and purchased the book Taking Charge of your Fertility (TCOYF). I have read the first 4 chapters and am enjoying it so far. Once I'm done, I'm going to decide on a plan for next month which I will of course share with all of you out there in TTC land. Stay tuned!

50 Random things about me

I took this from babybellykelli. Great for killing some time - Enjoy!

1. Where were you three hours ago?

Work...

2. Who are you in love with?

My most incredible hubby.

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

No, yuck!

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

There's a little bit of pink-ish color in a quilt on the couch.

5. When was the last time you went to the mall?

I took my sister there for frozen yogurt last week! To actually shop... Christmas. Work has been busy.

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

Yes otherwise I get popsicle toes.

7. Do you have a car worth over $2000?

Yes, I have to drive a lot because my clients are all over the place.

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
In February, to a client.

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?

Nope, but I saw Hunger Games 2 weekends ago.

10. Are you hot?

Never, I'm always cold.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Big glass of milk with dinner.

12. What are you wearing right now?

Pyjamas :)

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash itself?
No, that's hubby's job. He even washes the rims.

14. Last food you ate?

I made a treat for dinner tonight - perogies with sauteed onions and sour cream. A family favorite!

I 15. Where were you last week at this time?
Pretty much exactly where I am right now.

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?

Nope...

17. When was the last time you ran?

Last month.

18. What was the last sporting event you watched?
Live? Hockey game - leafs!

19. Your favorite animal?

I love dogs for a pet and wish I could have one. They're such great companions.

20. Your dream vacation?

I have to pick just one? The list grows every day... as long as I'm with DH, somewhere warm, then I'm in heaven.

21. Last person’s house you were in?

Our house? Besides our house... my sister's condo.

22. Worst injury you ever had?
I've been pretty lucky... I've really only had two injuries. The most frustrating was probably an overuse injury (IT band) from running that required weeks (months?) of physio to fix.

23. Have you been in love?
Yes, more and more each day.

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
Missing one of my girlfriends - but will see her this weekend!

25. Last play you saw?
We saw Warhorse last month. DH planned a date day for us!

26. What is your secret weapon to lure the opposite sex?

No idea? I'll have to ask my husband this one...

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Killing time. Ignoring the disaster that is my house. Waiting for hubby to get home. Exciting, right?


28. Who is the last person to send you a facebook message or comment?

One of my cousins liked a photo of my grandmother and I at my wedding shower.

29. Next trip you are going to take?
London Olympics and a week in Paris in August :) Go Canada!

30. Ever go to camp?

Yes. As a kid I hated it. The camp I went to was pretty good but they made us clean our dorms and do the dishes and I hated that. One year my sister and I came down with the flu... my parents came to visit and decided that we weren't sick enough to warrant going home. I think sending us to camp was their vacation. In hindsight, I don't blame them. In high school, went to numerous basketball camps.

31. Were you an honor student in school?
Yep!

32. What do you want to know about the future?

If I am going to conceive this month, and if not, when?! Fingers crossed.

33. Are you wearing perfume or cologne?

Of course, every day, unless I am in a rush and forget...

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor’s visit?
I always go for an annual physical, so yes.

35. Where is your best friend?

About 1.5 hours drive away.

36. How is your best friend?

Preggers! and super happy :)

37. Do you have a tan?

No. I need to stay out of the sun. I am a total sun bum but am starting to get spots on my face - yuck! No more sun for me.

38. What are you listening to right now?
Watching Property Brothers

39. Do you collect anything?

No... I hate clutter.

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
Probably me and everyone I work with lol.

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?

Never when I was driving (knock on wood!!!).

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?

I don't drink carbonated beverages, unless there is alcohol in them... so none anymore.

43. What does your last text message say?
Last one received? "Still here at grandmas"

44. Do you like hot sauce?

Yummy, yes!!

45. Last time you took a shower?

This morning.

46. Do you need to do laundry?

Yes, but not desperately. There is always laundry to be done.

47. What is your heritage?
I'm a big mix. French, Swedish, Ukrainian, Irish.

48. Are you someone’s best friend?

I think so :)

49. Are you rich?

Haha no. But rich with life and love, family and friends. (sappy, I know)

50. What were you doing at 12 AM last night?
Sleeping!