7 weeks 2 days... Miscarriage

Woke up this morning to some light spotting. Cramps ensued shortly thereafter. Saw my family doc who indicated that spotting + cramping + no symptoms isn't a good sign. 

I was lucky and was able to get an appointment for an ultra sound later this afternoon so at least I'll know one way or the other. I'm really hoping the tech will tell me on the spot so I don't have to wait until my doctor gets the formal report sometime tomorrow or next week. I really just want to know, so I can reset my thoughts and look forward. 

I'd like to say that I'm trying to be optimistic, but all along I have been saying I don't feel pregnant... So I'm hoping for the best but I'm not going to hold my breath. 

I'm definitely sad. Very sad. For many reasons... Mostly just that the dream is being crushed which I know is kind of silly. But I was set on having my kids 2 years apart. Now they could be much more than that. My BFF tried to get pregnant at the same time so we could be on mat leave together, she's 10 days ahead of me, and is supposed to be having her dating ultra sound today... So she'll (hopefully!) be getting good news while I'm likely getting sad news. It will be hard to watch her pregnancy progress and think of what was. 

How do I tell my Mom that I lost the pregnancy? She's going to be so sad, mostly sad for me to have to go through it, and I don't want to make her upset. 

The good news I guess is that we've been incredibly lucky to conceive quickly when we've tried. My doctor said to wait for one cycle then go ahead and try again. In the best case scenario I guess I could get pregnant again sometime in August.

My head is full of thoughts but I'm just rambling, happy to have an outlet until I know for sure and can talk to my family. I don't want to sound the alarm in the off chance that it's unnecessary. I'll check in again later to confirm, one way or the other...

7 weeks 1 day

I've been silent for a couple of weeks, not for any particular reason, just haven't felt inspired to write. 

I have been feeling very well compared to my first pregnancy. I'm a little more tired than normal but I'm not sure if that's from being pregnant or just working full time and caring for a toddler catching up to me. I have absolutely no other symptoms which is a bit unnerving. At least last time I definitely felt that there was something going on. This time I literally forget once in a while (for minutes lol) that I'm pregnant. I'm not complaining, because if everything is going well in there, this is wonderful. One thing I did notice actually a couple days before my BFP was that my left eye became a bit blood shot and dry. It continued and then last week both eyes became red and dry. They just feel a bit irritated. I googled this and apparently it can be a pregnancy symptom. I'll take it over nausea! 

I had my thyroid re-tested last week , exactly 6 weeks after I started taking the levothyroxine and good news - my TSH was down to 2!!! The recommended level for pregnant women is less than 2.5 so I am thrilled about that!

I know 5 other pregnant girls right now. One is my BFF. She got her BFP 10 days before me. 3 out of the 5 know the gender (my BFF and I excluded! We'll both have surprises!) and 2/3 are having boys. I wonder if it will be another year of the boy like 2013 was. Everyone I know who had a baby around when my son was born, had a boy!

Finally, I've been thinking a lot about what I will need once I have two babies. So far here's what I've come up with:

-a van!!! I was struggling to get my son's stroller into the trunk the other day... I can't imagine a double stroller plus 2 kids in the back seat... How would I get groceries or a Costco load home?!

- a double stroller. I love our bob revolution and would love the dualie but it's not practical for shopping, too wide. Will I need 2 double strollers?! Ugh

- video monitor, we didn't have one for our son but I would have appreciated it, especially when we were sleep training him... Now it will be good for judging urgency because I'll have another child to care for too! Maybe I need one that can hook up to two cameras

- this is a silly one, but before my son started daycare and around when they say babies start to choose comfort objects, I bought my son these little giraffe "a pair and a spare" blanket/stuffies. They were expensive but my son now LOVES them and having 3 the same is so helpful. One for school, one for home and an extra. I was looking at other options for these and once we know everything is progressing normally I'm totally ordering the Dalmatians for our little bean!

That's it for now!! Any insight on vans/strollers/video monitors or any other 2nd baby essentials?! Comments are welcomed! 

Excitement and fear – 4w 4d

I probably don’t even need to elaborate on the title of this post and most women who have been pregnant before would be able to imply exactly how I’m feeling.

Mostly, I’m excited. For one, how lucky am I that I got pregnant on our first try?! I mean, seriously, I had some things working against me, between my thyroid issues, my age, and the gastro virus I had last month - I’m shocked that it “worked”. What a miracle. I’m always astounded when I think about how conception happens. It seems like an impossible feat for that one sperm, to swim all the way from the vaginal cavity, through the cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes to find that one egg and then together travel back down into the uterus and find a comfy spot to implant. Did you know the ovaries aren’t even attached to the fallopian tubes? Somehow the egg floats towards/gets sucked into the tubes. Consider my mind blown.

I would say that I’m probably even more excited this time around than I was last time. Don’t get me wrong, my first pregnancy was planned and I was excited, but I didn’t understand yet what it meant to be a Mom. Now that I have my DS, I KNOW what I’m getting (hopefully) at the end of these 9 months. The love, laughter, pride, and happiness isn’t something that can be understood until you experience it. Now that I have, I can’t wait to do it again.

Of course, I’m cautious and trying to manage my excitement because of the fear. I think because I’m SO excited, I’m also more fearful than I was last time. Right now, it’s mostly related to miscarriage, which I guess is normal for someone who is barely pregnant. Last pregnancy at this time my doctor was telling me that the odds of miscarriage is 1/6. My hypothyroidism is also causing me to be more anxious. Hypothyroidism has been known to cause miscarriage, very preterm labour and can impact the baby’s brain development. The normal range for TSH is somewhere around .3-3 or 4, depending on where you live. Mine was 5.22 at the beginning of May. My doctor put me on very low dose levothyroxine to try to bring it back down because I wanted to try to get pregnant and I am supposed to test again 6 weeks after having started the meds because by that point my TSH should have stabilized based on the treatment. When I found out I was pregnant, a doctor in my family suggested that the objective is to keep pregnant women’s TSH levels below 2.5 and that most women 4-6 weeks pregnant with thyroid disease need to increase their dosage of levothyroxine, sometimes by as much as 50% to stay within the normal range. Of course I called my doctor and, she is a bit laissez faire about it for my liking, and suggested I should just wait until 6 weeks (which will also be when I’m 6 weeks pregnant) to test again. So, I’m waiting, but not very patiently. Yesterday I was crampy and of course that made me worry a bit even though I know it’s not uncommon. It wasn’t painful, just a dull ache. While I wait, I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that I am generally healthy, at a healthy weight, eating well (at least so far!) and that things must be working pretty well if I was able to conceive so quickly. Fingers crossed for a sticky baby!

Sick... and pregnant!

I haven’t written in a while because we’ve been incredibly busy and then my DS came down with something and had a fever so high the sweat was dripping out of his hair. It lasted for 4 days. It was a rough but I’m happy to report that he seems to be almost back to normal. On top of it, on DPO 10 I started feeling queasy at work. I was SO excited thinking that maybe there was a hormone rush because I was pregnant and totally convinced myself that it was “good” pain. Sadly, when I got home that night, I had the worst cramping in my stomach and bowels I think I have ever had – it honestly felt like early labour – and then turned into violent vomiting and diarrhea which continues today (only the diarrhea part - sorry TMI), 15 DPO. My temp had been high but I assumed I had a fever due to the sickness and was 100% convinced that there was no way I would get a BFP this month… it just didn’t seem possible given what my body was going through. Then 14 DPO came along and no regular AF cramps… and no AF. I told DH that if it didn’t come by 15 DPO that I would test in the morning just to put myself out of the misery of wondering “what if?”.

I woke up 15 DPO, temp’d and it was 37 degrees. I’m feeling better today and expected that if AF was coming, it would be falling down to around 36.5. I couldn’t fall back to sleep after that… I waited until DH was in the shower and quickly did an HPT. It did not take long for the test line to come up, even before the control line showed. Before 3 minutes was up, the test line was brighter than the control line. I am still in absolute shock. I was so certain we would be trying again next cycle. I was shaking like a leaf. I ran and opened the door to the bathroom DH was in and shoved the test in his face. It was, of course, met with a huge smile and kisses for me and for our DS.

I’m so happy my heart just might explode…. Unless that’s just the gas rumbling around in my belly – seriously, I hope I feel better before I get morning sickness!!