Outside of TTC, I have a lot going on in my life right now. Sometimes I feel like I can hardly catch up to my own thoughts. I find that when I write them down, it helps me to add context, prioritize and sometimes get some sleep at night. Which I think I need more of, especially for TTC. That said, I am warning you that this isn't directly a TTC post and is more of an internal debate, that is now on paper, to hopefully help me find some clarity - up to you if you want to read or not!
I'm a CA - Chartered Accountant. And I'm a good one. Not to toot my own horn, but I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am. After completing my first degree (Science & Business, majoring in biochemistry, minor in Biology, minor in Economics) I started working for the professional services firm I still work for today but in a marketing capacity. After a couple of years, career progression was moving too slowly for my liking, and with a bit of encouragement from a Partner I was working with, I went back to university to get the accounting credits I needed to qualify for a CA. While working full-time, I completed 16 intense university accounting courses in about a year and a half. Then I transferred to an audit role in the firm, where I currently reside, and wrote the series of 3 gruelling professional exams (and placed in the top 50 in the country on the final, the UFE, of probably over 4,000 writers although the actual # is not disclosed) while working on the practical experience I needed to finally qualify for my CA. I do not like my job. I like the people I work with, but I have a hard time with the demands, the hours and constant stress, not to mention that sometimes I feel like I'm not being used to my full potential... a lot of the time I'm just doing whatever I can to satisfy someone else so that I can just cross something off my ever growing list of to-do's. The daily choice is to either work really long day + weekends and do a good job or work your regular 10 hours and do a mediocre job. As a perfectionist, this sucks. As a perfectionist who loves life and her friends and family, running and hanging out at the cottage in the summer, it is devastating. I feel guilty all the time - guilty because I left work "early" (by firm standards) to try to be home to have dinner wtih hubby or guilty because I'm working late and hubby's at home alone... again. I know I need a change. The dilemna though, is to decide what I'm willing to sacrifice. I know I will go back to work after kids, because I enjoy the stimulation and because it is expensive to maintain our lifestyle living in the city. But, I want to be able to make them breakfast in the morning, pick them up after school and coach their school soccer team. I want to be happy when I'm not at work instead of stressed about not working. I also want to be challenged in my job. If I'm not challenged, I'm not productive and then I'm just frustrated. I want to make a difference and keep learning. I have been racking my brains and stalking job boards to see if there are any jobs that fit the above description and no luck - you either get good balance and risk being bored or are working too much.
An internal position came up today. It is more of a research position - where I would provide tools to audit teams related to technical accounting issues. This sounds good to me. Without clients (well, paying, external clients like big public companies) the pressures would be significantly reduced and hours more reasonable. But, I am afraid. I don't think I will be allowed to transfer because they have "groomed" me for certain jobs. And, by applying, they will all know I am done with audit. So, if I don't get it, my life will be made difficult by those I work with, as they will not be pleased. I just don't know what to do and I know I'm the only one who can make the decision. I'm also afraid of disappointing people... and myself. This would be considered an "easy" job. If I go, I know what people will say - "what a waste of good talent". I have heard it all before. I think I am almost over what other people think, though. Now I need to get over the fact that I worked my a$$ off and now am willing to let it all go. Because, I think that's where I am at. The once career-minded, competitive, go getter, now really just wants to make babies and be an awesome wife and mother.
Thankfully - I have this weekend off and it's a long weekend in Canada! Hubby is going to a bachelor party in the US so my sister and I are going to hang out with my Mom for the weekend - eat at fancy restaurants, have some delicious home cooked meals and spend a day at the spa. I may even drink some wine since AF is here. I can't wait! I am ready for a break from the hustle and bustle of the city and work and house renos.
On that note, I hope everyone has a lovely weekend. Looking forward to coming back refreshed and ready to DTD and hopefully get our BFP. The rest will fall into place.
All those little things that you've written in inverted commas are phrases used by people who are VERY invested in their career and not much else. They are manipulative and pressure filled phrases of an agenda. I am sure you know what I mean. Your life priorities have changed and that is why the inverted commas rather than integrated into free speech. I think it is a good thing you are seriously thinking about getting yourself set up for what you want to do to make you happy. Just remember that what you picture of your life post baby and what you want may very well change several times along the way. :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Fitness Fiend, look at the big picture and at the future - what do you want to be doing when that baby comes along? I don't want to be working at all *wink* unless I can get a work from home type job and tellecommute, but haven't had much luck in that field where we live. But I am right there with you, I am not happy with my current job either - I am also looking for something else, the one I have now requires me to stand on my feet for 7-9 hours per day and it is a stressful sales job and I know if/when we get pregnant this job will not work out well for the pregnancy. Prayers & Happy Thoughts that you figure everything out! :)
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