Progesterone or other causes of miscarriage

After miscarriage #2. I pushed my doctor hard on possible causes… it’s hard to accept that “the chromosomes just didn’t fuse right” TWICE in a row. Seems incredibly unfair. One of the buttons I was pushing was whether my progesterone was low. I noticed my LP had shortened after the first miscarriage… still in a normal range over 10 days, but short for me. She wrote it off and said there are no studies supporting that progesterone supplements help maintain viable pregnancies. My midwife felt strongly the other way, that if a woman has had more than 1 early loss, it’s industry practice to treat with progesterone regardless as a preventative measure.

I pushed my doctor hard on this issue again after the recent BFP. She stands her ground on it. She even said she doesn’t know what progesterone levels should be or what dosage to prescribe etc. and suggested I get my midwife to prescribe it if she could. Truthfully I’m a bit put off by her response – could she not have at least tested my levels? If they were fine I would drop it. But she refused. Could she not do research or ask a colleague about what progesterone levels should be in early pregnancy?

I’ve decided to wait until I get my second beta back. If it’s increasing normally, I’ll call my midwife to reserve a spot for me and will ask about the progesterone supplement. I can’t help but feel that my doctor’s response was inappropriate? On the other hand… now that I’ve regained some of my composure (read: am not a total emotion wreck anymore) I probably agree that the progesterone is an unlikely culprit, but still don’t appreciate my doctor’s response.

My blood work following both miscarriages showed that my thyroid level was normal, even good. So that isn’t the problem. My iron levels are low, but that’s pretty common for me and I don’t think would cause such an early loss. Did I really just get unlucky?

In the worst case scenario… if we have another loss, I have an appointment with an OB scheduled for February to start looking into why this keeps happening. Please internet universe, keep your fingers crossed that things go well this time.

Pregnant for the 4th time

It appears that getting pregnant is definitely not my problem. For the record, we conceived my son on attempt #2. The second pregnancy on the 1st try, third on the 2nd try, and fourth literally days after the miscarriage ended. In fact, I wouldn’t say we were even trying at the time we actually conceived – I didn’t expect to ovulate for another couple of weeks and my doctor was pushing us to wait until I had one regular cycle to try again. Not to mention, we were (and are!) a bit gun shy after 2 consecutive miscarriages. My midwife called a week post miscarriage and indicated that there was absolutely no reason to wait so then I started using OPKs daily because she said the trick would be to pinpoint when I was ovulating, which is difficult to do post-miscarriage because your temps are fluctuating, CM and CP are not reliable, etc. Every OPK I took was negative. On Thursday last week, I had a bit of pink spotting in the afternoon and assumed AF was on her way, and was worried because it hadn’t been that long since the bleeding had ended and wondered if maybe the miscarriage wasn’t complete, as happened the last time. But AF never did arrive and instead my temps went up to what I call the “Pregnancy zone” – the temp I have only ever hit while pregnant, 37 degrees Celsius. On Friday, the OPK turned positive. I brushed all of this off and thought I was being irrational to think that I might be pregnant - surely the bleeding was because my body is sorting things out, trying to get back to normal, and the temp was because I’ve had a vicious cold that has kept me up at night and made me feel just generally miserable. I had read that OPKs could detect HCG but wasn’t counting on it so made DH do his “civic duty”* that night. On Saturday, my temp was sustained at 37 and since we had a Christmas party to go to that night I thought I would just POAS to make sure a few glasses of wine that night would be ok. All the while I was repeating to myself that I shouldn’t expect anything, the odds of actually being pregnant were very, very slim. Then that second pink line starting to materialize… and became just as dark as the control line.

Fast forward to today, after wondering if somehow my body is more messed up than I originally thought and somehow my hcg was on the rise again but was still due to the last pregnancy, I got the results from my first blood test and my beta was 644. Seems unlikely that it could still be that high from the m/c but, I’m going to have another blood test tomorrow to verify that the levels are going up. For reference, when we tested when the last miscarriage started, my hcg had already dropped to the low 300’s… and in the interim I took 2 HPTs that were also negative. My GP has told me that this is a new pregnancy, and I’m really hopeful (albeit, cautious) that she’s right.

Assuming that all appears to be going well after my beta, I’ve booked an ultra sound for December 22 to date the pregnancy – although it’s really more to reassure me that things are ok. If I’m still pregnant by then, I should be around 7 weeks so will hope to be able to see the heartbeat.

**Civic duty – my husband’s term for the BD. He will turn to me and ask lovingly if he has to do his civic duty tonight. For the record, I really hope this sticks, because I need a gosh darn break from all the civic duty he’s been doing since MAY.

More sadness

We were on vacation last week. I had formulated a post in my mind about how the waiting unfortunately doesn't stop when you get a BFP. Oh no, then you have to worry for another 3 months, especially in my corner of the world where you don't even have your first appointment until 10 weeks. 

Unfortunately.... On our last day of vacation we were out shopping, I ran to the washroom and saw red. I've basically been crying ever since. I didn't go to work today because my emotions are out of control and I'm going to try to see my family doctor. I need to understand why this is happening to me, to us, again. Is there something wrong with me? Does my thyroid go crazy the second I get pregnant? Is my progesterone too low? Is there something wrong in my uterus? Do we have chromosomal issues that we somehow got lucky and escaped with our son? I just don't know.... But once again my dreams are crushed and I'm not sure I can start over again. It's really, really hard. I so desperately want another baby. My husband is the best father I know and I want him to have more children. And almost more than for us, I want my son to have a best friend, a buddy he can play with. In the airport he was playing with other children in a play area and he was so, so happy. I'm worried that if I'm able to get pregnant again and keep it, the age difference will make it so they're not as close as they should be. Ugh. Really struggling right now...

The Second Line

You guys... Last night I started writing another post. It was an apology for being so whiny lately and an update on how I can’t possibly have that much sex for another month in a row. I was feeling crampy, AF was due and seemed to be on her way but I was excited that the next time I’d be fertile, we’d be on vacation in sunny Florida and maybe, just maybe, that would be our ticket to a BFP. I had decided that I would take a month off from temp’ing and wouldn’t restrict myself from things I love like wine just because we were trying, because frankly it was just getting old and I figured I’d be happier if I allowed myself some of those simple pleasures, in moderation of course. This morning I woke up, temp’ed as I do every morning and strangely, instead of dropping as it does when AF is about to arrive, it had gone up just the slightest bit. DH was out of town and I had a cheap dollar store test in my drawer so instead of wondering all day until AF arrived, I decided to put myself out of my misery, see the BFN and go on with my day.

Very quietly, so as not to wake my son, I creeped into the bathroom using my iPhone flashlight, tore open the packaging and got to work. The fluid soaks up really fast on the dollar store test and I saw just one line. It was kind of in a weird spot, almost in between the control and test indicators but there was definitely just one line. I recorded the negative test in my fertility friend app, told myself next month would be our month and picked up the test to toss it. Except something caught my eye. Down at the edge of the test strip was a bit of a dark spot… that seemed to be transforming in front of my eyes into the faintest of lines. Surely, it was wrong. It was from the dollar store afterall and probably wouldn’t even be able to pick up the hcg this early on. Would it? The faintest glimmer of hope. I ran to my bedroom, still fumbling in the dark with my flashlight to get out an FRER. Thankfully, I had peed in a cup, because the dollar store tests require you to use an applicator to put the urine on the test… I ran back to the bathroom, dipped test #2 and waited. The previous two times I was pregnant, a line showed up pretty much as soon as the liquid was absorbed. This time it didn’t but the box does say to wait 3 to 5 minutes. So I waited more… I was watching the clock, it had only been about an entire lifetime 30 seconds. And then I saw it. The second line. THE SECOND LINE!!!

An update...

Well... Not much has changed since I last posted, thus why I haven't had anything to write. The frustration continues. I'm now on CD26 of cycle #3 since the miscarriage. This cycle has felt more normal and I think I may have actually

Ovulated so started off very hopeful... Unfortunately today at 10dpo I started having period-like cramps just like on 10dpo of cycle #2 so I'm pretty much just waiting for my period now. 

While at my son's 18 month checkup my doc asked me if I was pregnant again yet. Of course the answer is no... And I told her my cycles have been all over the place and I am not even certain if I've been ovulating. So she double checked my test results because she said my hcg levels were basically zero last time so it's probably not due to the miscarriage... Except when she checked the actual level at last test date in July was 66.... Sigh.... So that could explain the bleeding in July.... And the extra long second cycle. She also said that since I was pregnant, my thyroid could be messed up again. So off I went today to test my beta, thyroid and iron again. I got the requisition last Wednesday and waited until today to do it because I figured then if by any luck I am pregnant then the beta would pick it up and if not, either way it will put me out of my misery of waiting until my expected period. 

I may still try out a dollar store test tomorrow morning... Just because I'm going crazy waiting and for $1.50 I can't resist...although I know they're not as sensitive as the FRs. That is if AF doesn't arrive before then. 

Please send positive vibes my way for a healthy, sticky little bean ASAP. 

Apologies that I've been so whiny lately... I am trying hard to be positive most of the time, trying not to let it affect my interactions with my son and my husband or at work, so I need this outlet to blow off steam from time to time, especially on the low days like when I have period like cramps all day long... Which not only points to a BFN but also a very short LP. Hopefully things will turn around soon!

CD1…

…was yesterday. AF arrived before bed on Wednesday night, not long after I POAS. It is such a strange sense of relief and disappointment. Am I right? I’m suddenly not a crazy person anymore, but I’m obviously upset because I feel like we did everything right and yet we did not get the desired results. Regardless... exiting the TWW is freeing.

Anyway. Moving forward…

I’m trying to be strong mentally and to be optimistic. Visualization and all that jazz. Healthy eggs and healthy sperm catching an egg! I’m drinking tons of water again and have decided to stop drinking even the decaf coffee I was drinking in the morning. I had also been having a small glass of wine here and there and am going to quit that altogether too. Salads every day at lunch. Giant spinach salads, sometimes seaweed and kale too. Healthy smoothies for breakfast + overnight oats and berries. Trying to be diligent about my iron pills (my iron is sooo looww) and still taking my prenatal vitamins + extra folic acid. Had my thyroid levels re-checked yesterday, hope to have results soon just to reassure me that all is well or so we can adjust as necessary. Being nearly 2 months out from the miscarriage now, having what seems like a regular AF, and making sure all my ducks are in a row (so to speak) on the baby making front will help me get into the right frame of mind so I’m not psyching myself out and feeling stressed and making things worse instead of better.

I’m a little type A if you can’t tell. But it’s nice to have a plan, especially one that has been successful in the past. Here’s hoping that my body gets the memo and actually ovulates in a reasonable time frame (I’m still not convinced I actually ovulated last cycle… doesn’t make sense that I would have had such a short luteal phase) and we get a sticky one out of our efforts.

Wish us luck!

The dip (cont’d) – 10DPO

The dip I saw yesterday continued today instead of rising. I temp’d earlier than usual because my son was crying at 5:30 and it was down to 36.46 and then I temp’d again at the usual time (after falling back to sleep) and it was 36.67. Not sure which would be more accurate – different time than normal, or after only 1 hour of constant sleep (noting that I didn’t get out of bed – DH did! Just rolled over and went back to sleep)? Regardless, my temp remains much lower than that I observed in previous pregnancies. Having said that, starting yesterday morning and consistently through to now, I have had incessant AF-like cramps. I’m constantly running to the bathroom to make sure it hasn’t arrived and so far it hasn’t. Usually I get cramps in the afternoon and then by that night, AF arrives and they go away. So, that’s over 24 hrs of cramping. Again, could be due to a change post-miscarriage? I’m not sure. I also checked my cervix yesterday and today and it is higher and softer than it would usually be when AF is on its way… things are also more wet than normal, but there is not nearly as much CM as I had in the past 2 pregnancies.

SO. I’m obsessing over these now and wondering if I’m actually making them worse because I’m thinking about it constantly. I’m considering running to the dollar store to pick up a test at my lunch break. I have some FRERs at home but they’re so expensive and I know it’s probably too early to test anyway, so I’ll feel better to just POAS, a cheap one, even if it’s less likely to give me a positive result right now.

Wish me luck.

***UPDATE***
I picked up a dollarama Medi-Care brand HPT at lunch. BFN. :(
So no I'm scouring the internet to find out their sensitivity vs. other tests because these cramps are so unusual!!

The Dip – 9DPO

My temps dipped below the coverline this morning, to 36.61 celsius. I have no idea what to think about it. While I’m fearing the worst and thinking that perhaps my chart was misinterpreted and AF is already on its way, I can’t help but scour fertility friend for samples of pregnancy charts showing an implantation dip. I guess I just have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens… will my temps rebound or are they tanking? Overall even post ovulation, my temps are much more erratic than they have been in the past… possibly still a result of the miscarriage? My coverline is also higher than I’ve ever seen it (by about .25 degrees celsius!) and my temp on 9DPO is lower than it usually is. It’s amazing how much info I feel like I have, and yet it’s not enough to even venture a guess at the outcome.

Some stats from an informal study done by fertility friend:
-11% of ovulatory charts had dips that did not result in pregnancy
-23% of ovulatory charts that resulted in pregnancy included a dip

Of course, I guess it’s not really a “dip” unless my temps rebound tomorrow…

DH asked me last night if I thought we would get a BFP this cycle to which I responded “I don’t know”. He told me to take a guess and I said I’d be optimistic, and based on how consistently we BD’d and how lucky we’ve been to conceive quickly in the past, I would go with yes. He went with yes too. Now I’m waiting for the disappointment. On the bright side, at least I haven’t burned $10 by unnecessarily POAS… yet.

The 2WW of a dreadfully long cycle

I think I’m about 8DPO, at least that’s my best guess based on my chart. But at CD33 when I usually have 27 or 28 day cycles, I’m going a little crazy. The thought of waiting 39 days to find out if we were successful this cycle is absurd. There is absolutely nothing pointing to the fact that I may be pregnant but I am still fighting the urge, minute by minute, to run to the store to buy up a pile of tests. I’m even considering going to the dollar store to create a stash of them so I can test every day. Sometimes I feel like there’s no reason why I wouldn’t get pregnant, as long as I actually did ovulate (which my temperature definitely seems to indicate I did - I have a sustained temp shift), it’s realistic that I could conceive based on how often we did the dance. In both of my previous pregnancies, I think implantation occurred closer to CD10… with my first I had implantation spotting on CD 10 so assume it happened around that time… with the second I was nauseous and vomiting around 10DPO so figure it had something to do with implantation. So, if I expect it would happen around the same time, and if I ovulated on CD25, then it hasn’t happened yet and wouldn’t show up on an HPT. On the other hand… I’m at CD33… what if I’m misinterpreting the data in my chart, or if because of the miscarriage my temps aren’t reliable… then potentially I could have had a “regular” cycle for me and maybe AF hasn’t arrived because I am pregnant?

See – I’m going crazy.

I started reading a book on the weekend to try to keep my mind busy. I’m almost done reading it and I don’t know how, once I finish it, I’m going to fill every minute I’m awake so that I don’t break down and start peeing on very expensive tests every day. Any book recommendations?

I wasn’t THIS nuts the last time we tried… I think because I am just SO READY to be pregnant already that it’s all-consuming. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Frustration & looking forward

It’s been an emotional month. The week after the miscarriage, a close family member passed away unexpectedly. Then, 18 days after the original miscarriage, I started bleeding again. Much like a period but apparently not a period, since it was less than 20 days after the miscarriage. I think this was worse than the original miscarriage – I had finally wrapped my head around it, and was looking forward instead of back and then wham… that constant reminder was back and I was needing to be patient again.

I follow a number of blogs written by women with fertility issues or same sex couples trying to conceive a baby and I realize that my wait is NOTHING compared to what they go through… but in a way, it’s all relative? My expectation was that I would get pregnant and have a healthy baby… even if I wouldn’t actually say that out loud for fear of jinxing it. So it’s been a bit of up and down. I didn’t expect to get pregnant during the cycle because I was SO sick - nay, then I did – yay! Then I lost it – nay! Then I had a “gentle” miscarriage and was looking forward to trying again, surely my body would bounce back quickly because it was so early – yay! My doctor told me because it was so early and I am healthy that I could try again right away – yay! Then I started bleeding again – nay!!! To be honest, I’ve felt a lot frustrated since then. I’ve been charting and my BBT has been all over the place, nothing like any of my charts pre-miscarriage. Now on CD27 I think that I have ovulated because my temps are higher than they usually are pre-O, but I’m really not sure when it happened because my chart just isn’t as black and white as it usually is, and I’ve found that my cervix and CM have been all over the place… I don’t think I even had any EWCM.

We have covered our bases by BD every other day... which I might add is exhausting! I’m hopeful that I might get lucky and see a BFP, and get a sticky one this time… but I’m not holding my breath. Having said that, I’m really fighting the urge to test this week. We’re going away for the weekend and I’d like to have a few drinks if it’s just not happening this cycle… even though that would only be 9DPO in the best case scenario and therefore would just be a waste.

I’m trying to stay positive and keep this in perspective… it’s really (hopefully) just a bump in the road… so my kids won’t be exactly 2 years apart like I always wanted… is it really that big of a deal if they are 2 ½ years apart instead? You can probably tell that I’ve given up on the make a baby girl plan too… I just want to be pregnant and add to our family and I’ll take what I get.

So… a question for anyone who might stop in here – post-miscarriage, did you try to conceive right away? Were you successful? Was your first cycle post-miscarriage all over the place or did it go right back to normal?

Blighted ovum

While I was fortunate to get an ultra sound right away the same day I started spotting, it sadly didn't deliver happy news. The ultra sound technician was very kind and told me it looks like a healthy 5w 3d pregnancy and that 99% of the time when she sees this kind of thing the woman's dates are wrong. I'm not sure how she came up with that stat or why she felt the need to convince me I was wrong (ok maybe she didn't want an emotional mess on her hands) but I guess it was sweet, better to have hope than to be really negative about it?? Anyway, I knew my dates, I was temping when I got pregnant so I know when I ovulated and I got a positive HPT basically on the day we would have conceived if I was only 5 weeks which is impossible. Not to mention, we didn't DTD anytime in the vicinity of time that would have been required to create a baby of that age. My doc called Friday morning to confirm that my bloodwork also indicated hcg of somewhere in the 5000s (I can't remember exactly) which is consistent with a 5 week pregnancy. Knowing me well, she said that if I knew the dates were wrong then it was likely a blighted ovum and I would have what seemed like a very heavy period and then should be ok. Wait for one regular cycle then try again. 

Anyway... Here comes some TMI for those that are squeamish.... I continued to spot through the weekend and it got a little heavier Sunday night. Monday morning was heavier again and not long after I got up I had to run to the washroom because I felt something come out and wasn't sure if it was a gush of blood or what... It was a large blood clot and sitting right in it was the gestational sac, still intact and full of fluid. It was larger than an inch in diameter. I couldn't see anything in it, not sure where the yolk sac was (the tech had shown it to me on the ultra sound, it must have been pretty tiny).

Now it's Wednesday... I'm still bleeding and I just want it to be done with already. It sucks to have to think about it all the time. 

7 weeks 2 days... Miscarriage

Woke up this morning to some light spotting. Cramps ensued shortly thereafter. Saw my family doc who indicated that spotting + cramping + no symptoms isn't a good sign. 

I was lucky and was able to get an appointment for an ultra sound later this afternoon so at least I'll know one way or the other. I'm really hoping the tech will tell me on the spot so I don't have to wait until my doctor gets the formal report sometime tomorrow or next week. I really just want to know, so I can reset my thoughts and look forward. 

I'd like to say that I'm trying to be optimistic, but all along I have been saying I don't feel pregnant... So I'm hoping for the best but I'm not going to hold my breath. 

I'm definitely sad. Very sad. For many reasons... Mostly just that the dream is being crushed which I know is kind of silly. But I was set on having my kids 2 years apart. Now they could be much more than that. My BFF tried to get pregnant at the same time so we could be on mat leave together, she's 10 days ahead of me, and is supposed to be having her dating ultra sound today... So she'll (hopefully!) be getting good news while I'm likely getting sad news. It will be hard to watch her pregnancy progress and think of what was. 

How do I tell my Mom that I lost the pregnancy? She's going to be so sad, mostly sad for me to have to go through it, and I don't want to make her upset. 

The good news I guess is that we've been incredibly lucky to conceive quickly when we've tried. My doctor said to wait for one cycle then go ahead and try again. In the best case scenario I guess I could get pregnant again sometime in August.

My head is full of thoughts but I'm just rambling, happy to have an outlet until I know for sure and can talk to my family. I don't want to sound the alarm in the off chance that it's unnecessary. I'll check in again later to confirm, one way or the other...

7 weeks 1 day

I've been silent for a couple of weeks, not for any particular reason, just haven't felt inspired to write. 

I have been feeling very well compared to my first pregnancy. I'm a little more tired than normal but I'm not sure if that's from being pregnant or just working full time and caring for a toddler catching up to me. I have absolutely no other symptoms which is a bit unnerving. At least last time I definitely felt that there was something going on. This time I literally forget once in a while (for minutes lol) that I'm pregnant. I'm not complaining, because if everything is going well in there, this is wonderful. One thing I did notice actually a couple days before my BFP was that my left eye became a bit blood shot and dry. It continued and then last week both eyes became red and dry. They just feel a bit irritated. I googled this and apparently it can be a pregnancy symptom. I'll take it over nausea! 

I had my thyroid re-tested last week , exactly 6 weeks after I started taking the levothyroxine and good news - my TSH was down to 2!!! The recommended level for pregnant women is less than 2.5 so I am thrilled about that!

I know 5 other pregnant girls right now. One is my BFF. She got her BFP 10 days before me. 3 out of the 5 know the gender (my BFF and I excluded! We'll both have surprises!) and 2/3 are having boys. I wonder if it will be another year of the boy like 2013 was. Everyone I know who had a baby around when my son was born, had a boy!

Finally, I've been thinking a lot about what I will need once I have two babies. So far here's what I've come up with:

-a van!!! I was struggling to get my son's stroller into the trunk the other day... I can't imagine a double stroller plus 2 kids in the back seat... How would I get groceries or a Costco load home?!

- a double stroller. I love our bob revolution and would love the dualie but it's not practical for shopping, too wide. Will I need 2 double strollers?! Ugh

- video monitor, we didn't have one for our son but I would have appreciated it, especially when we were sleep training him... Now it will be good for judging urgency because I'll have another child to care for too! Maybe I need one that can hook up to two cameras

- this is a silly one, but before my son started daycare and around when they say babies start to choose comfort objects, I bought my son these little giraffe "a pair and a spare" blanket/stuffies. They were expensive but my son now LOVES them and having 3 the same is so helpful. One for school, one for home and an extra. I was looking at other options for these and once we know everything is progressing normally I'm totally ordering the Dalmatians for our little bean!

That's it for now!! Any insight on vans/strollers/video monitors or any other 2nd baby essentials?! Comments are welcomed! 

Excitement and fear – 4w 4d

I probably don’t even need to elaborate on the title of this post and most women who have been pregnant before would be able to imply exactly how I’m feeling.

Mostly, I’m excited. For one, how lucky am I that I got pregnant on our first try?! I mean, seriously, I had some things working against me, between my thyroid issues, my age, and the gastro virus I had last month - I’m shocked that it “worked”. What a miracle. I’m always astounded when I think about how conception happens. It seems like an impossible feat for that one sperm, to swim all the way from the vaginal cavity, through the cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes to find that one egg and then together travel back down into the uterus and find a comfy spot to implant. Did you know the ovaries aren’t even attached to the fallopian tubes? Somehow the egg floats towards/gets sucked into the tubes. Consider my mind blown.

I would say that I’m probably even more excited this time around than I was last time. Don’t get me wrong, my first pregnancy was planned and I was excited, but I didn’t understand yet what it meant to be a Mom. Now that I have my DS, I KNOW what I’m getting (hopefully) at the end of these 9 months. The love, laughter, pride, and happiness isn’t something that can be understood until you experience it. Now that I have, I can’t wait to do it again.

Of course, I’m cautious and trying to manage my excitement because of the fear. I think because I’m SO excited, I’m also more fearful than I was last time. Right now, it’s mostly related to miscarriage, which I guess is normal for someone who is barely pregnant. Last pregnancy at this time my doctor was telling me that the odds of miscarriage is 1/6. My hypothyroidism is also causing me to be more anxious. Hypothyroidism has been known to cause miscarriage, very preterm labour and can impact the baby’s brain development. The normal range for TSH is somewhere around .3-3 or 4, depending on where you live. Mine was 5.22 at the beginning of May. My doctor put me on very low dose levothyroxine to try to bring it back down because I wanted to try to get pregnant and I am supposed to test again 6 weeks after having started the meds because by that point my TSH should have stabilized based on the treatment. When I found out I was pregnant, a doctor in my family suggested that the objective is to keep pregnant women’s TSH levels below 2.5 and that most women 4-6 weeks pregnant with thyroid disease need to increase their dosage of levothyroxine, sometimes by as much as 50% to stay within the normal range. Of course I called my doctor and, she is a bit laissez faire about it for my liking, and suggested I should just wait until 6 weeks (which will also be when I’m 6 weeks pregnant) to test again. So, I’m waiting, but not very patiently. Yesterday I was crampy and of course that made me worry a bit even though I know it’s not uncommon. It wasn’t painful, just a dull ache. While I wait, I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that I am generally healthy, at a healthy weight, eating well (at least so far!) and that things must be working pretty well if I was able to conceive so quickly. Fingers crossed for a sticky baby!

Sick... and pregnant!

I haven’t written in a while because we’ve been incredibly busy and then my DS came down with something and had a fever so high the sweat was dripping out of his hair. It lasted for 4 days. It was a rough but I’m happy to report that he seems to be almost back to normal. On top of it, on DPO 10 I started feeling queasy at work. I was SO excited thinking that maybe there was a hormone rush because I was pregnant and totally convinced myself that it was “good” pain. Sadly, when I got home that night, I had the worst cramping in my stomach and bowels I think I have ever had – it honestly felt like early labour – and then turned into violent vomiting and diarrhea which continues today (only the diarrhea part - sorry TMI), 15 DPO. My temp had been high but I assumed I had a fever due to the sickness and was 100% convinced that there was no way I would get a BFP this month… it just didn’t seem possible given what my body was going through. Then 14 DPO came along and no regular AF cramps… and no AF. I told DH that if it didn’t come by 15 DPO that I would test in the morning just to put myself out of the misery of wondering “what if?”.

I woke up 15 DPO, temp’d and it was 37 degrees. I’m feeling better today and expected that if AF was coming, it would be falling down to around 36.5. I couldn’t fall back to sleep after that… I waited until DH was in the shower and quickly did an HPT. It did not take long for the test line to come up, even before the control line showed. Before 3 minutes was up, the test line was brighter than the control line. I am still in absolute shock. I was so certain we would be trying again next cycle. I was shaking like a leaf. I ran and opened the door to the bathroom DH was in and shoved the test in his face. It was, of course, met with a huge smile and kisses for me and for our DS.

I’m so happy my heart just might explode…. Unless that’s just the gas rumbling around in my belly – seriously, I hope I feel better before I get morning sickness!!

TTC #2 – Cycle #1 TWW

I'm dropping in for a quick update now that I THINK we are in the two week wait. The reason I say I think is because this is usually around the time when I ovulate, I had a temp spike today and although it’s not as high as it normally goes it is more than .2 degrees Celsius than where I’ve been hovering for the last week or so, CM turned thick, white and sticky today and CP is a bit higher and definitely more firm compared to quite soft and swollen feeling the last couple of days. FF hasn't confirmed it but if I'm correct, I obviously O’d a day later than I anticipated based on the prior month when it happened on day 13. Perhaps this is due to the thyroid meds? I’m not sure. I guess I’ll have a better idea tomorrow based on what my temp is in the morning. I’m not holding my breath on a BFP this month because I realize the odds of conceiving decrease the further away from ovulation that you BD. We BD’d on Saturday night and I O’d on Monday so it is possible albeit less likely. As far as odds of conceiving a girl I’m sure they are even better given the lag between BD and O. Now we’re into the waiting game but I’m already thinking about what I’ll do next month. Mainly continue temping, lots of greens and dairy and am also considering taking magnesium and calcium supplements. I’ve read a few places now that those can help to decrease pH and therefore increase the odds of a girl.

The more I think about having a girl, the more I’m feeling anxious about it. It would just take the pressure off to have a girl this time around. Then we’d have a boy and a girl and going for a third could be based on more logical criteria vs. it being an emotional decision because I want my girl.

Unlike in the past when I planned to wait to test until after my expected period or before that only if I had some very obvious signs that I could possibly be pregnant, I’m likely going to test next Friday May 30. We have a family reunion on the weekend and if I get a BFN then I won’t feel guilty enjoying a glass of wine and conversely if I am, I will steer clear from it entirely, obviously!!

As a side note. We were recently in the US for a quick shopping trip and HPTs are SO MUCH cheaper there. Like, whoa! I got 2 first response tests for less than $9. If memory serves me correctly, they’re more than double that in Canada. My girlfriend told me the dollar store sells HPTs but I’m not sure how accurate they would be 3 days before my expected period (for my last pregnancy, I tested at 11 DPO and it was positive so I’m hoping it would be able to detect it that early again) so I’m going to stick with the more expensive one that I know works for this round given the circumstances. In the meantime I’m going to try to relax for the next week or so and then I’m sure I’ll be on high alert for implantation spotting which I had last time at 10 DPO.

Fingers crossed!

The "Norgasm"

We've been busy doing the BD this week. I expect to ovulate on cycle day 13  which is Sunday, so according to what I've read we should do the dance 1-3 days before my ovulation date to conceive a girl so Saturday was the last day we were going to try. Originally I planned for Friday to be the last day because I thought earlier would be better but neither of us was feeling all that great on Friday so it just didn't happen. The more I've read about TTC a girl, the more I'm realizing I could have done more if I had considered it earlier but too little too late. If we don't get a BFP this month then maybe I'll do more next cycle but that's a post for another day. What I really wanted to write about was this concept of the "Norgasm" that I read about as one thing to do for conceiving a girl. Basically it means for the woman to NOT orgasm during sex to try to conceive. Evidently, orgasm causes a release of basic (ie. not acidic) fluid to be released in the vagina which is more conducive for the survival of male sperm than for female sperm.  Sounds reasonable. But then again not at all. I mean, that's HARD to achieve, or erm, not achieve. 

I guess I'm a pretty lucky girl in that my husband knows exactly what will send me over the edge and he enjoys getting me there (and may explain why baby #1 is a boy?). I couldn't tell him that I wanted to norgasm because I feel like that takes a whole lot of the fun out of it. Wouldn't it be a little awkward? Anyway so try not to orgasm when your husband is doing everything he knows how to do to get you to orgasm. It is hard because clearly in the moment you want it too! 

All that to say that 2/3 times in my fertile window I was successful with norgasming but it was difficult and not so much fun. The last time, I actually faked one so my DH would give it up. Now I want to pounce him again to finish the job but I'm restraining myself. TMI? Sorry. 

Here's hoping that my cycle stays consistent this month so the planning and norgasming pays off and that we get our BFP. Even better would be a BFP with our little girl. I'm feeling hopeful. 

Thyroid troubles

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that since after my DS was born, my thyroid has been “off”. I can’t remember exactly, but maybe when he was around 8 months old I went for my regular physical and as part of the routine blood test we discovered that I had a mildy overactive thyroid – hyperthyroidism. It made complete sense, I was thinner than I ever remember being, my pants were all loose and I was eating like a horse. Thankfully I didn’t have any other really noticeable symptoms. I re-tested in 3 months from the first test and it was discovered that my thyroid was suddenly mildy underactive – hypothyroidism. Great. I had read that thyroid activity can be impacted by a pregnancy and that it can waver up and down but for the most part it would start out as hypo and then become hyper and then even out again and I was going in the opposite direction. So, because it was so mild (I think normal is .3-4 and I was rating at a 4.35), my doctor decided to wait and test again in another 3 months. That was last week and on day 1 of TTC#2 cycle #1, I found out that my thyroid had become even more underactive – now at a 5.22. This is apparently still considered to be mild and according to the nurse, some people don’t experience any symptoms until they hit 10 however, knowing my intentions to have another baby (like asap!), and considering that I was trending in the wrong direction, my Doctor decided that I should start taking drugs to treat it and re-test in 6 weeks to check whether the dosage is right – I guess with hormones it can be very tricky to get it right (great.. ugh).

I don’t completely understand it because I just haven’t had time to do any real research yet, but your thyroid controls certain hormones, most of which are responsible for metabolism (hello weight loss… and weight gain recently!). Somehow, an underactive thyroid can also impact fertility – again, I’m not clear on HOW but it can affect ovulation (cause anovulatory cycles) and shorten the luteal phase of your cycle so that implantation becomes impossible. I also think it can make staying pregnant more difficult. For these reasons, I’m really happy my doctor is being proactive about treating it. On the other hand, I’m not really thrilled to be taking a hormone pill daily starting in the month I want to start trying to conceive. I confirmed with my doctor that it’s safe to start trying regardless, and that since my cycle seems regular I can still get pregnant but that I’ll need to continue to monitor it regularly especially if I do become pregnant.

It’s no secret that I’m hoping for a girl this time. I’ve been charting my cycles to figure out when I’m ovulating so we can schedule the BD before I actually ovulate to improve our odds. Will a thyroid pill affect when I O? I’m starting to question whether I really really want a girl or whether I really really want to just get pregnant right this second. I know that by trying the Shettles method to try to conceive a girl, I reduce my odds of getting my BFP each month… and I worry that if I don’t get my BFP within the first couple of months that I will get too much in my own head and then get too stressed and further worsen the odds of pregnancy. The thyroid issue just exasperates everything. I was feeling good about starting, my cycle has been regular (albeit shorter than usual – 27 days) and now this. It’s a bit like déjà vu – the month before we TTC with #1, my cycle that had been a completely regular 29 days ended up being something like 37 days. Why oh why does this happen only when I’m ready and give the green light to TTC?? I guess if I’m trying to stay positive, we got lucky on your second try with my son so it’s possible we will get lucky again!

Now I am rambling. I still don’t know what I will decide to do. Maybe a month or two of shettles for a girl… and if we have no luck we just shoot to get pregnant and do it like bunnies. I think that’s what I’m settled on for now, but I reserve the right to change my mind. Please cross your fingers for me that my body cooperates and my thyroid settles down.

Choosing your baby's gender

The honest truth is that I always pictured us having two little girls. I think it's because I have a sister and I have such a wonderful relationship with my Mom that I hoped to have that with my kids too. Then I had a boy. A beautiful, healthy, hilarious, engaging, happy, loving, sweet, smart little man. Sometimes I'm still surprised that he's a he, but my goodness, I'm so in love he could have two heads and he'd be perfect to me... For me... For us. Having said that, in looking forward towards ttc#2, I'm infatuated with getting my girl. Now please don't get me wrong. I am not a stupid person, I have a biology background, I understand how these things work and that it's really out of my control. And further to that, if we get another male baby, I will love that boy with every inch of my being. But I can't help but think about it. So... I'm curious, if anyone happens upon this little journal of mine...

- would you ever consider trying to tip the odds in favor of conceiving one gender over another?

- do you have any suggestions for ttc a girl?

- is it selfish of me to even think about this? 

I feel guilty just considering it. Guilty because if I have a boy, I would never want him to feel like he wasn't wanted. Guilty because what if my son would rather have a brother? Guilty because some women would give their left arm just to have a baby of their own and here I am obsessing over how to have a girl. 

I'm also still worried that I won't even be able to have another healthy pregnancy. I thought after being through it once that I would have peace of mind that at least I CAN get pregnant... But, can I still get pregnant? 

I'm an over-thinker, if you couldn't already tell. I should probably just throw caution to the wind, along with my thermometer, and let things happen. But I also don't want to regret not trying. 

Friday Flashback - Babymoon!

I was remiss in documenting the end of my first pregnancy and my son's birth and there are some pieces that I would like to have written down before I forget them altogether. So, I've decided to do a series of flashback Friday posts. These likely won't be incredibly detailed stories or emotionally supercharged because they haven't been written in the moment... but I'll be happy to have them written down regardless. Here goes...

The babymoon! This was one of the best decisions we ever made. Work was rough and getting worse (approaching busy season and working stupid hours), and my husband pushed me to take a few days off. A family member has a rental condo in Medeira beach and it was, by chance, available when we were looking to go away so they graciously offered it up to us for free. We flew one night after work and arrived in the early hours of the morning. I was exhausted but when we opened the windows in the condo and climbed into bed listening to the waves crash on the beach it was a little slice of heaven. We woke up to sunny skies and beach for miles and miles. We spent most of our time there sitting on the balcony chatting, listening to music, reading, snacking and walking the beach. It was wonderful and we savored the quiet time we got to spend together, just the two us, as we daydreamed about what it would be like the next time we visited a beach with a new member of our family. 

I still look back on this vacation and remember how I felt. Mostly just completely in love - with my husband and the little life inside of me, and the life we are building together - and happy! 

I will also never forget how badly I needed to pee all. the. frikken. time!! When we got to the furthest part of our walk on the beach - I'd need to pee. In the car on the way to the grocery store? Yep, I needed to pee. Waiting in line at the airport? Still needed to pee. Sadly, peeing didn't seem to offer much relief. I would feel better but it never lasted long. I think the baby was down so low that he was totally squishing my poor bladder. 

Finally, everywhere we went I had people announcing "well, that's a boy!" (Literally they wouldn't even say it TO me they would walk by and utter it under their breath!). So weird, who does that??

I got my baby bag while we were there - it was the only thing I bought since buying clothes isn't really a good idea at 7 mos pregnant. Kate Spade! I chose it because we had our stroller handed down and it's storage is crap so I needed a bag that could easily hook onto the stroller. These bags have clips built in that easily snap onto the handlebars. It has a couple outside pockets and lots of pockets on the inside including a zippered pocket that I use for my stuff (wallet, etc.). Highly recommend!

So, if/when I get pregnant again, I will be making sure we get another babymoon. It might even be the first time we leave our little one because it might be nice to get away with my husband, alone, again!

Friday Flashback - Intro & Overwhelming Happiness

I was remiss in documenting the end of my first pregnancy and my son's birth and there are some pieces that I would like to have written down before I forget them altogether. So, I've decided to do a series of flashback Friday posts. These likely won't be incredibly detailed stories or emotionally supercharged because they haven't been written in the moment... but I'll be happy to have them written down regardless. Here goes...

After we found out around 18 weeks that the pregnancy was healthy, the mild oligohydramnios that was observed in the first ultra sound had either resolved itself or was an error, we set out to tell everyone. To be honest, I was absolutely overjoyed to be pregnant from day 1 and had no idea that I could feel any MORE thankful or happy than I had already been feeling, but then we started sharing the news and that thankfulness and happiness took on a whole new level. This baby was so much to so many people, not just to DH and I and it didn't even have a name or a face or even a gender yet... The look in my grandmother's eyes when I told her she was going to be a great grandma for the first time. The size of my sister's eyes when she found out she would finally be an aunt. My Mom announcing to everyone that "we" are having a baby! My sister-in-law gushing about how wonderful it will be to have a baby around again. It was everything I had hoped for but so much more... So, so, so much more. Every day I felt thankful that I was so lucky to be having this baby, to be experiencing pregnancy and that I was able to give this experience to my family - the people I love the most in my life. I always knew they would be happy, but I didn't expect it would be so overwhelming. To this day it's one of the things that stands out in my mind when I think about my pregnancy, and is something I'm reminded of every time my I get to see my family interact with my son. 

Prepping for round two

We always knew we wanted to have our children about 2 years apart. Lately I've been very anxious to get started but for work reasons we really had to wait until May, at the earliest, to try. Having said that, it's been top of mind for a few months now. 

Here are some of the things I'm doing to prepare myself and my body for another pregnancy:

When I went back to work I cut back breastfeeding my son (then 11 months) to twice a day, morning and night. My doctor told me to keep nursing him at least until winter and cold and flu season ended. Shortly after he turned 13 months I felt like he was becoming less interested and like I was producing very little milk. He would nurse for maybe 2 1/2 minutes on each side and be done. Then I ended up having to take antibiotics that are not okay when breastfeeding... So I made the decision to just quit nursing at the beginning of April. I always wanted to stop a little before getting pregnant again so I could have my body to myself, at least briefly, before giving up control again. It felt like the right decision, I shed a few tears and my son never asked for it again! 

I've been taking prenatals since we were TTC#1. 

I've cut way back on my evening wine. I'm having maybe one or two glasses per MONTH. 

No more caffeinated coffee. Decaf and various herbal teas only.

Taking my iron supplements - I'm perpetually anemic.

Eating healthy! Drinking homo milk with my son (I can use the extra fat/calories).

And finally, charting!

TTC - Take Two

It's true... We're heading into round two of TTC. In thinking about it recently, I went back and read some of my posts from 2 years ago and feel really thankful that it's (somewhat) documented. So, here I am - writing again. Or at least I'm going to try to write again. 

Even having been through it once, it's amazing how similar my feelings and fears are around the TTC process. How long will it take? Can I actually get pregnant? Am I ovulating? But then it's magnified by - what if I can't? Knowing what a wonderful, magical, miraculous time pregnancy is, how it feels to bring another person - my person - into the world and watch them grow... WHAT IF I CAN'T DO THAT AGAIN? Because I really, really want to. At LEAST one more time. 

While I'm pretty healthy, I'm much less physically fit than I was last time. I'm thinner (which is probably too thin but have been eating plentiful, healthy meals and snacking whenever on whatever my heart desires). My thyroid acted up post-partum. It was mildly hyper for a while, then mildly hypo. Is it affecting my fertility? Will it cause a miscarriage? I'm over 30 now, so my fertility is decreasing and risks are increasing. 

I started charting again this month so that I can quell some of those fears. My cycle is a bit shorter recently which is kind of nice (more chances to try!). Temping is a bit less reliable because I haven't been sleeping well the last two weeks but it is what it is. I think the link on my page should still work if anyone out there wants to follow my chart. 

We plan to start next month - we were still preventing this month. I'm so excited!